Tune de La Vie 叶の旋律

When an Urbanite Intrude the Village - Part I

2011-11-11T23:11:00.018+08:00

After a very long pause, finally I made myself to start blogging again. Realizing that human tend to lost the momentum once they stop engaging in something for too long. Striving so hard, I beat down the lazy worm which crept in my heart and decide to write this post.

Ok, back to the topic. I completed the clinical part of medicine, and currently attending a social work, namely --> Pre-Graduate Course (PGC). Participating in this PGC is a MUST for all the medical students in this university. PGC is a community/public-health care program, where all the students will be allocated to different village of a particular state - Kintamani, identifying the major problem in the village, stay with them and give them a helping hand to achieve not only about health, but biologically-psychologically-socially better life.

When i first heard about these, my reflex is like "WHhhhat ??? Village again ???" No matter you willing or not, all of us must follow this program. This program last for 5 weeks.

1st week - briefing about this program and training regarding the disaster emergency life support. I like the training, it was pretty cool !! one of the doctor who taught us had the experience of saving people life in Israel War. Really salute him, what a great experience he gained !!

2nd - 4th week - Is here to telling you about my "kampung" life or we should said "back to the nature" life or "back to ancient" life ??

5th week - Report and presentation.

So now, here we go....

After a 2 hours journey by riding the motor bike, we reached there finally ! the village ( Manikliyu Village) located at the hill, the air was fresh and cool, during the night it was brooded by the heavy mist.

The picture below is the 1st place where we supposed to stay, the environment is indeed a little bit "uh-hum".

Our mind flooded with the same thought --> how about we just go to stay in a hotel nearby ?

This is the Manikliyu Village Assembly Hall

that equally "uh-hum" too.

This is the toilet which provided

Maybe our "uh-hum" and all those complains was too loud and it spread to the head of the village. He arranged another better refuge for us. At last, we stay in the villagers' house, we call him as "pak De". Pak De and his family are hospitable, he gave out his son's and a guest room for us to stay. Although it looked abit dirty and dusty, but i would like to say, Thankyou God, We are so BLESSED. Comparing to other friends from the other village, this is one of the best retreat i could said.

The following picture is the front side view of the room, a small hut, a small pond, and Pak De's 4-wheel Rocky !!

Pak De fetched us by using his Rocky roaming around the plantation. He owns four plantations and harvest twice a year.

The source of water supply and the hygiene of the toilet are the primary problem of the village. Chronically, they do not have a proper piping system, and the source of water rely on the rain. The thing that often drag my head off everyday was the cleanliness of the toilet !!! I have to withstand the "cleanliness" of the toilet each time doing showering. The lack of awareness is the thing that we need to take note and educate them. Food-borne and water-borne disease often rooted from here.

Apart from those i mentioned above, it is a down-to-earth approach to experience the tranquility and serenity of village life, a good escape from hustle-bustle of the city life !!!

They lead rather a simple life over here, arise at 5 in the morning, go to the estate at 7am. Come home at 5pm and rest at 9pm. We have nothing much to do there, mostly morning activities, and therefore we also adapting ourselves to their life. I break my record, I ever slept at 8pm !!! Can't believe it !!!

The villagers told us that they only eat the chicken that they rear by themselves. Usually it took 6-8 months for the chicken to grow big enough to be slaughtered. I have a chance to witness the process of a chicken get slaughtered, although it was not the first time i witness something like this, yet the high-pitched sound of the chicken's screaming still spook me much.

One of those day, Pak De ferried us to a river nearby and ask whether we bring shampoo along. A question mark crop up --> why we need to bring shampoo along ? After asking further, we turned into shock, OMG !!! He was expecting us to take bath in the river !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, we wouldn't want to take bath in the river. We just playing water beside the river and “enjoying" the scene of some naked show. Hahaha...!!!

Another thing i would like to share is the term "NGIDU". Pak De's wife taught us the word. People staying on the hill in order to gain warm by burning the firewood in the night, and by putting hands near the firewood called --> Ngidu.

Pak De's Wife is a superb nice lady, she work from morning to the night. ( Even more hardworking then her husband... kekeke.) She boils water for us to drink every morning and evening, off to farm, cooks meals, doing household, all by herself. She cooked something called Bubur Sago for us to try. Erm... a bit salty for me, but i still want to send my greatest gratitude to her. She really so lovely......

We really spend a great time there...

We were tasting the "bubur Sago" while enjoying "Ngidu" with the "Ibu".

Everyday comes to the afternoon, we will go to the tourist spot nearby --> The famous Kintamani Volcano. It just 15 minutes driving and we hunt for some good food. We try different restaurants, different buffet everyday, and it indeed wear off my pocket and make me put on weight as well. >.<"""

Guess my parents going to kill me.... LOL

Well, guess it is lengthy enough, I should end my 1st part, hope you are not falling asleep. =P

2nd part coming soon. =)

时代不同

2011-08-31T23:04:00.001+08:00

80 年代的我们，小时候与堂兄弟姐妹最爱玩的就是 "masak-masak" （家家饭）。

新世纪的小孩们最爱的是什么呢？

上个星期飞回大马度假与亲戚们聚餐时，见到我们的“下一代”聚在一起玩的是--> iPad.

眼见四，五岁的小孩们手上拿的不是玩具，而是 iPad ！！

你看，他们还认真讨论起玩电子游戏的策略呢！

看看他们那么认真专注的眼神，还有“废寝忘食”的态度，可见 iPad 或是 Tablet 的魔力是多么的利害！！

我们这一般 80 年代的“长辈们” 只能感叹

时代不同啦！！！

不知Toy'Rus 会不会生意越来越差呢？　呵呵。。。

上个星期天在机场等候中途专机时，看见别人的小孩也玩着 iPad !

真是 iPad 横行的时代了！

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

第一天从假期回来开工就要站岗了，站岗完毕的第二天清晨刚好是假期，没有早上的值班。。

心里直呼太棒了！！！

下班后与朋友到麦当劳吃早餐。。。

我们可说是麦当劳的第一位客人，看见早晨的太阳照耀着大地，加上站岗完毕。。。

心情愉悦极了！！！

唯一让人扫兴的是原来在岜厘岛麦当劳的白咖啡竟然是　 --> Black Coffee + dairy milk ????

他们应该真正去了解什么是真正的白咖啡！！而不是随便加了一些 Dairy milk 就叫做白咖啡。。。真是我的天哪~~~~ 打烂麦当劳的名誉！ >.<"""

Bali Airport : The Boarding Lounge

2011-08-21T04:27:00.000+08:00

This is what happened in Bali Airport Boarding Lounge on 20 August 2011 when i was flying back to Malaysia for 1 week holiday.

We called it a "lounge" but sarcastically, NO place to sit.. I saw the westerners just sit on the floor dis-pleasingly.

At first, i quite resist to sit on the floor, but after a 15 minutes of standing, i just gave up and sit on the floor, waiting the time to board.

15 minutes later, few tourists who came from China ( how i know they came from China ? from their strong accent of mandarin ) stepped forward to the security counter and complained.

"It's only 8.30 pm, and the departure time is 9.30 pm, how can you let us sit on the floor for an hour ? why don't just let us wait inside ?"

Finally, after a 10 minutes of negotiating, the security guide allowed us to enter and wait...

Awww... what a day ?

It's a shame for Bali Airport while they made the tourists forced to sit on the floor.

Why things always need to complain only improved ? They should take it into consideration before it happened, moreover, Bali is world's well-known tourist spot, Don't do such stupid mistake !!

Is kind of sad while i heard alot of friend complaining about Bali's service and everything after they had their vacation there.

Sometimes,

Expecting too high Brings Disappointment

做一天的人类灵魂工程师

2011-08-21T03:19:00.000+08:00

大家好，真的是好久没更新我的部落格了。不是很忙，只是很懒。 =P

这次想跟大家分享我在四月份医学实习时的乡下服务。

这次乡下服务的地点位于 Kerambitan，Bali. 我们的目标是 --> Sekolah Dasar Timpag ( Timpag 小学）

我这次的任务就是教导这般小学同学关于急救的基本常识。

首先，我和我的一组朋友一起制作了一些关于急救的小册子, 原来制作一本小册子是那么艰难的，而且我们也需要确定所记载在这本小册子的咨询时正确的，以便可以传授正确的知识给这些小朋友们。

我们用 slide show 的方式先解释一遍给小朋友们听。

然后，我们还出了考试题测试小朋友们的了解能力

如果他们有疑问，还可以上前来问我哦！！

我们还为了奖励这些小朋友们，自讨腰包准备了一些小礼物。

经过了slide show presentation 以及简单的测试题，当然是开始实习啦！！

这些小朋友们都纷纷举手抢先学习的机会，让我真的很开心！！！

大约中午十二时，终于完成了历时三个小时的教书过程。

当然要来一张大合照以做纪念，这是我第一次担当人类灵魂工程师的角色，而且又是在岜离岛，这样的经验是第一次，也有可能是最后一次，所以我觉得特别有意思。

最让人又气又好笑的就是小朋友们的调皮，看看以上的照片就知道了！！

除此之外，我们也在这乡村里提供老人家一些简单的医疗服务，测量他们的血压以及提供一些医药的知识以及供应。其实很同情这些乡村里的住户，由于他们的住处离城市遥远，加上没有交通工具，很多乡里的人就这样离开了这个世界。他们就是被医药服务忽略的一群，我觉得那天过得分外有意义。

回家的路途中，不忘了在沿路上留影。。。蓝蓝的天空，绿油油的稻田。。。这就是大自然最棒的风景了！

后记：

第一次担任人类灵魂工程师，还蛮好玩的！也开始了解为何老师们可以那么的伟大，还有老师们那么热忱于教育界。就比如说我的妈妈好了，她是一名教师，自小我都不明白为何她总是为小学同学们大动肝火，原来是真的是在乎他们在学业上的进步才如此懊恼，我时常都觉得她自找的辛苦，呵呵。。。虽然如此，她还是时常鼓励我长大后选择做老师，她一直都跟我说做老师多好多好，我都不以为然，最后选择了做医生。

直到这次的乡下服务，我终于尝试到做老师的成就感，尤其是当你解说后，看到他们有明显的进步，那种成就感不会在医治好病人的成就感之下！！！妈妈，以及各位老师们，我敬佩您们！

最近看到报纸说大马要大量栽培新一代的人类灵魂工程师，希望不是空穴之谈。希望真的可以好好造就下一代，懂得欣赏以及珍惜人才，这样国家才会进步。（这是我在印尼就读后，深深体会的。。不是践踏这国家，只是这里好的教授实在少之又少。。。不好的老师，真的会教导出不好的学生，不好的学生又怎么能使国家进步呢？）所以老师真的扮演这举足轻重的角色。

人们都说，当你越老了就会越像你们的父母亲，我开始慢慢体会到了，我对这般学生们还蛮苛刻地（就像我的妈妈一样 =P)，尤其是在实习的时候，当小朋友们做得差不多“有模有样”了，我的朋友就“放过"了他们，而我就是那个反对放过他们的讨厌鬼。。哈哈。。。我会要求他们重来直到他们真正的了解后，我才肯放过他们。那些小同学都说我很 "galak" （凶的意思），当然之后我还是会与他们打成一片以避免他们真的“讨厌”我。。。 =）

有时候，真的觉得 Everything happen for a reason, 如果不是老天爷的安排，让政府派我到这里求学，我就无法体会乡下如此的生活，一开始真的很不习惯这里的一切，看到这里落伍的一切真的很令人沮丧。。日子久了，就会觉得 Everything happen for a reason..没有这些苦日子，我就不会珍惜现在所拥有的一切。

想你的100天

2011-07-07T17:34:00.001+08:00

你在的时候

100 天里也许只想你一两天

你不在了

我天天都想你，想你 100 天

你在的时候

你想尽100个办法捉住我的手

我却想尽100个办法如何松开你的手

你不在了

想你的时候只能捉住空气

在天上的您现在想着谁？

有没有和我同样的感觉？

惊觉后才知道原来没有办法再挽回。。。

我天天都温习我们的回忆一百遍，

我想捉住我和您之间仅仅地回忆，

深怕会有那么一天，

我会忘了

您慈祥的脸孔

您温暖的双手

您唠叨的声音

您蹒跚的脚步

还有我最想念的

您那

一点点驼背的背影

.........................................................................................

Total Eclipse of the Heart

2011-06-11T23:14:00.001+08:00

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

每当我很骄傲地站在台上演讲

台下却看不到你的影子

每当被赞美时

多希望你可以在台下见证这美好的一刻

你却都不在

承诺随着时间被遗忘

心里的那小小希望越来越渺小

。。。渺小得都不敢再次渴求你会出现。。。

真的爱你，母亲节快乐！

2011-05-08T08:55:00.006+08:00

献给您，黄家驹的这首歌 - 真的爱你！
第一次真正体会这首歌的歌词，听了这首歌那么久，才第一次发现原来这首歌是写给母亲的。
谢谢您妈妈，常常教我坚毅望着前路，叮嘱我跌倒不应放弃。。。。谢谢您。

Click the picture if the picture is not moving.

My first attempt to create a *gif* picture.

Thanks to Ayumi who taught me this.

无法可修饰的一对手
带出温暖永远在背后
总是罗嗦始终关注
不懂珍惜太内疚
沉醉于音阶她不赞赏
母亲的爱却永远未退让
决心冲开心中挣扎
亲恩终可报答
春风化雨暖透我的心
一生眷顾无言地送赠
是你多么温馨的目光
教我坚毅望着前路
叮嘱我跌倒不应放弃
没法解释怎可报尽亲恩
爱意宽大是无限
请准我说声真的爱你

无法可修饰的一对手
带出温暖永远在背后
总是罗嗦始终关注
不懂珍惜太内疚
仍记起温馨的一对手
始终给我照顾未变样
理想今天终于等到
分享光辉盼做到
春风化雨暖透我的心
一生眷顾无言地送赠
是你多么温馨的目光
教我坚毅望着前路
叮嘱我跌倒不应放弃
没法解释怎可报尽亲恩
爱意宽大是无限
请准我说声真的爱你

妈妈，这是我 edit 给您的“母亲节卡”，希望您会喜欢。选来选去，我又选回之前的照片，还是最喜欢这张照片。等我毕业回来，一定要拍更多的合照哦。。。。您别再逃掉。。。呵呵。。。

祝您
母亲节快乐
！！！

Live to the FULLEST

2011-04-28T17:49:00.004+08:00

"Don't be annoyed by the negative thoughts-
regret for the past and fear for the future.
it's a waste of lifetime by thinking so.
live in current & live it to the fullest!!
You are always the best to us in the way you are"

Thanks my dear friend for the encouragement

I'm very good at the moment
and
will always be good

Pick up the good one
Discard the bad one
and live to the fullest ~!!!!

离别

2011-03-20T10:33:00.002+08:00

三月二十日早晨九时三十分

不知不觉短短五天的丧礼就这么一眨眼地过去了。
此刻的我独自一人坐在 Starbucks 咖啡厅一人，等待 11.50am 飞往岜离岛的班机。

经历了阿麽的丧礼后，我对丧礼有了另一番体会。
以前的我觉得主办丧礼的意义就是怀念先人或是纪念离世的人的一种仪式。
现在的我了解到除此之外，还有另一个意义--〉就是可以让后代们集聚一堂。

经过这四天短短的相处，我们亲戚之间的感情更上一层楼，更加了解彼此的境况，而且还有更多的时间让我们大家放下手头上所有恼人的工作以及一切事物，出席阿麽的丧礼大家集聚一堂。

一年没见的三叔，两年没见的堂哥，三年没见的表哥，四面没见的堂妹，五年没见的堂姐
还有一些堂哥堂姐们或是其它亲戚们，是的，农历华人新年当然有会面，但是大家都是来去匆匆，谈不上十句话。我已无法说出最后一次我们是好像这过去四天这样人人到起，好好坐下从早上聊到晚上，互相关心，互相说笑，追思礼时一起哀悼，一起流泪。。。。

我很赞同也很感谢主对于我三舅说的一句话，“其实我们家庭真的很好，很幸运，现在的社会很少大家庭向我们这样，即使各分东西了，还是能一样互相关心，和睦共处。真的很感谢主。”

回想这四天的点点滴滴，
与堂表姐们互相倾谈心事，分享这些年的起起落落
第一次发现原来我的大堂哥是那么的幽默，一直说笑话，逗大家乐开怀
第一次真正记得我的堂哥堂姐孩子的名字，Ashley, Nicholas, Jonas, Shawn etc... 以前的我从岜离岛假期回来，看见他们一次，就问一次，你的孩子叫什么名啊？看见孩子们，三四岁，蹦蹦跳跳的，在家里的楼梯爬上又爬下。。。心里感触不已，曾经何时，我们这几位堂兄弟姐妹也好像他们一样，打打闹闹的，为何长大后大家竟变成陌生了？

虽然背着丧失了阿麽的痛，但是这几天我们除了忧伤，也很开心，我们真的很团结，一起准备阿麽的身后事，肚子饿了，我们会互相轮流出去买外卖给大家吃，还问及了大家最喜欢的饮品是什么？最爱的本地美食是什么？
一起喝珍珠奶茶，一起吃红豆冰，一起去超级市场买蔬菜水果，一起吃laksa,一起吃薄饼，一起唱诗，一起哀悼，一起赞美主，一起追思婆婆。。。这一切一切，我都会永永远远把它烙在心里面。

我也真诚的祷告，虽然婆婆不在世了，但是我真的很希望以后的日子，我们这大家庭还可以聚在一起畅谈，感受一下大家庭和睦共处，互相关心的温馨时刻。

这张照片是我们其中几位堂兄弟姐妹们的合影。
一定要笑得开心，我想信婆婆在天堂看到我们这样，也会感到欣慰。

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

同一天十一时五十分

坐在飞机里，耳朵响起飞机引擎准备起飞的声音，一直以来我都很喜欢飞机起飞的感觉，一直都很佩服飞机的发明，一个交通工具怎么可以在空中翱翔。今天是我人生中第一次对飞机起飞的感觉感到厌恶，不怎么地，我。。。哭了。。。看着窗外，飞机慢慢离开地平线，看着大马的土地离我越来越远，越来越远。。。然后，云朵把我的视线给遮掩了。。。这片土地越来越模糊，飞机冲进了大地层，在我眼前只剩下一片白白的天空。我的眼泪不停的流，真的很不舍得婆婆。。。手中握着婆婆送我的手巾，一直挪去脸上的泪水。我很想渲泄心中的痛，于是就随手从书包里掏出一本书与笔写道，

“今天我飞回岜离岛, 以前都会有一个人牵住我的手不舍得我走，
然后我就会说,阿婆，再见了；如今这个人走了，再也见不到了，
我会永远怀念您，我最亲爱的婆婆。
20/03/2011 ”

拟干眼角的泪水，跟自己说，我只允许自己哭到今天，过后的日子不准再哭了。婆婆不会想看到我们这样的，婆婆只是去到另外一个天堂，与公公，姑姑相会了，那里充满了喜乐。。。在婆婆离世的那一刻，有四代同堂陪伴在身边，上天真的很眷顾我们了。所以我们应该要快乐，应该要满足，感恩。

至亲爱的爸爸，我知道您最疼爱婆婆了，请您不要再伤心，您伤心，我也会替您心疼。爸爸您要开开心心的过日子，恢复以往整天笑容挂在嘴边的爸爸。我昨天梦见了婆婆，她说她在天堂过得很好，又可以跟公公和婆婆最挂念的姑姑在一起，我们应该要感谢主，替婆婆感到欣慰。
爸爸，笑吧，ok? =)

而我，要学习回归现实，回到实习医学生的生活，在小儿科部门的考试距离还有两个星期的时间，应该有足够的时间恶补吧？
在天上的婆婆，请您保佑您的孙女考试顺利。Amen

给阿麽的信

2011-03-16T02:10:00.002+08:00

经过了60 个小时漫长的站岗后，拖着精疲力尽的身躯回到家，正准备上床就寝没想到竟获的如此的恶讯。。。阿麽。。她不行了。毫不犹豫，我立刻上网订购机票希望及时可以回到家看她最后一眼。。。谁知。。。二局钟后，她。。。离开我们了。。。

我对这电脑，眼泪不停的流，我的手一直在键盘上摸索着，努力的搜寻阿麽与我的最后一张合照。找不到。。。找到的都是与其它家人一起的大合照。于是我想起了我曾经写过一个关于阿麽的部落格，上网继续搜寻我写给她的部落各，2011。。。。没有。。。。2010。。。。没有关于她的部落格，终于。。。2009 的八月份，找到了属于她的部落格 --〉阿麽与感触、

翻阅了之后，
在里头我写了一句话：

“我很高兴因为可以陪伴阿麽去看病，这。。。就是简单的快乐。

阿麽，你一定要以乐观的态度面对你的病情，好好爱惜自己，别时常想胡思乱想，好吗？？我真的真的很想多陪陪你。。。等我毕业，好好回来侍奉你老人家，ok?”

距离毕业还有7个月的时间，阿麽她没等到我毕业，没能看到她的孙女骄傲地穿上白袍。

远离家乡五年载，在家里的时间有限，能与她在一起的时间更有限。。。
接获恶讯之后，我一直很努力的寻找与阿麽的回忆。。。

每次假期回家，阿麽她很可爱，时常叫我帮她测量血压，别人帮她测量，她就会说，“我要芯仪帮我测量比较准确。” 有好几次，我赶着出门约会，她会捉着我，一定要我帮她测量血压后才准我出门。如果我超过凌晨12点才回家，她会很担心。。。有时候，我会蹑手蹑脚地偷溜进屋里，但是无法熟睡地她总是把我给逮个正着。

全家大小，我们都以广东新汇话与阿麽沟通，您走了。。以后我的广东新汇话都没办法派上用场了。。我会很怀念您那懵懵懂懂地眼睛，听不清楚的耳朵。。。因为您时常会有一句口头禅“眼蒙蒙，耳聋聋。。。人老了就是那么没用”。小声与您说话，您就会说怎么不理睬她；大声与您说话，您就会说怎么骂她了。。真的让人好气又好笑。。。

我会很想念您煮的菜，您说煲的汤水。。。还有。。我最喜欢的咖喱鸡。。还有，新年时的糕点。。说到新年，每一年的大年初一，向您拜年后，您就会“逼”我们吃那很甜很甜的糖果，说道“新年嘛。。。吃点糖，甜甜蜜蜜。。。”

还有，您很不喜欢人抖脚，时常听到您的一句话，“人摇福薄，树摇叶落”。。以前小时候不懂事，您越是纠正，我就会越是故意把脚抖得更厉害，特地把您气坏。现在早已没有这坏习惯了，有时候人急燥起来难免会抖脚，但是乎您的话在我心中早已根深蒂固，因每次一开始抖脚，心中就会浮现您的这句话 --〉人摇福薄，树摇叶落。而且其实抖脚也是一个很不礼貌的行为，很不雅观；现在我看到朋友们这样，也会忍不住劝他们不要这样。

虽然您走了，我。。回想着，回想着。。。其实也没什么遗憾了，感谢主在您走之前的前几年，我学会了懂事，学会了孝敬老人家。我记得。。。我扶您去诊所检查，检查身体后去吃早餐，刚刚过的新年，帮您穿衣服，帮您量血压，提醒您吃药，陪陪您倾谈。。。

时常跟您开玩笑：您是我最美丽的婆婆，我都叫您“靓婆”，而我是您最聪明的孙女，以后要做大医生，您就叫我“叻女”。。。

此刻。。。写着写着，我的视线又再模糊了。。。婆婆，我真的很想很想您。。。我连您最后的声音，最后的笑容都听不到，看不到。。。。怎能才能让我释怀这遗憾？每每想到这里，我的心就纠了一下

去年2010 年的三月份，我开始了医学生的实习生涯，我告诉您我一年后的新年才能回家，她就很不舍得地握住我的手道，“怎么去这样久呀。。。。” 眼中充满了不舍，还从口袋里掏出一百零吉给我，要我好好的照顾自己，要去机场之前，她抱住了我。。。我。。。哭了

今年2011年的二月份，终于，我回家过年了，短短的一个星期假期，没太多时间陪伴她老人家，在我要飞回岜离岛之前一样地，她问我几时又再回来。。。我说这次比较快了，今年九月份就会回来了。她说，“什么？九月份那么久？”。我说：“快了。。。才半年嘛。。。”然后，她又从口袋拿出五十零吉马币给我，“婆婆没什么钱，多一点无法给你，只有这一点点钱给你买吃的，要好好照顾自己哦。。”、

然后。。。然后。。。我还记得，我很赶着要去飞机场了，她仿佛知道也许那一次是我们最后一次见面似的，她一直握住我的手，一直握住我的手，我说我赶飞机了，真的要走了，她还是握住我的手不放，最后我挣脱她的手，头也不回上车向飞机场去了。。。。。。

婆婆，不是我不回头，只是我很害怕回头，因为一回头我就会很不舍得，我不想要您哭，我假装很潇洒，反正还会回来嘛，不想把事情弄到那么伤感。。。没想到，上个月的这一次确是我最后一次看见您，听见您。。。

婆婆，我怀念您。。。。希望您在天堂与公公，姑姑得到安息，没有疼痛，没有苦难，只有永恒的幸福，永恒的生命，永恒的快乐。。。

我爱您，婆婆

爱您的孙女
芯仪敬上

绝望的等待

2011-03-09T21:34:00.002+08:00

在小儿科部门常常都会看到令人无奈的事情
明明知到自己的小孩可以生存的机率比纸还单薄，还是期盼会有奇迹的一天
试问人世间有多少奇迹会发生呢？

天天不眠不休地守在孩子身边

“有些傷口，時間久了就會慢慢長好；有些委屈，受過了想通了也就釋然了；有些傷痛，忍過了疼久了也成習慣了，然而卻在很多孤獨的瞬間，又重新湧上心頭。其實，有些藏在心底的話，並不是故意要去隱瞞，只是，並不是所有的疼痛，都可以吶喊。”

有时候，这些话语不一定只能建立在爱情上
比起这母亲对孩子的爱，爱情是显得多么的渺小啊

这种折磨才是真正无法呐喊的痛

童话 & The Violin

2011-03-05T04:23:00.001+08:00

真的好感动哦。。。
真的好喜欢懂音乐的男生！！！

Dont know how long
Is me that was it
You told me your favourite story
...Its be on my mind
Dry in me crazy
And other reason
That's you crying now
I see the tears in your eyes
They tell me you dont believe
That I cant be
Your prince charming
Maybe you cant understand
But when you said you love me
My life was changed
And I wish you could see
I'm willing to
Be the one
And the angle that you love
With open arms
I'll always be there
You must believe
That you and me will end up happily
In our own
Fairy tale story~
你哭着对我说
童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂
从你说爱我以后
我的天空星星都亮了
我愿变成童话里
你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信
相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局
I will be
Be the one
And the angle that you love
With open arms
I'll always be there
You must believe
That you and me will end up leave it happily
In our own
Fairy tale story~

烂道理！

2011-03-03T22:59:00.002+08:00

这烂道理并不是第一次听说过了
只不过在小儿科部门，
怎么这里的医生那么爱跟医学生们说这种烂道理？
我知道是开玩笑
只不过听久了很厌倦

哎呀。。。不用读书的啦~
你知道吗？
没读书 = 不会忘记任何东西
读一点书 = 你就会忘记一点
读更多书的话 = 你会忘记更多
所以呢，
是不需要读书的
这样你才不会忘记任何东西

请不要再灌输我这种没志气的概念！！！
自从进了小儿科部门之后，
也许站岗的时间表增加了
睡眠减少了
读书? 也没怎么读书
有时间，也宁愿把时间浪费在娱乐节目
越来越追不上的课业
越来越跟不上轨道
真的很伤心。。。
为什么我好像越来越智障？

迈入医学生生涯的最后一年
今年年尾就毕业了
好彷徨好无阻
感觉自己都没准备好
之前还能一直安慰自己
之后的事到时再打算

迫在眉睫
时间的有限强逼我面对这艰难的考验
最奇怪的就是
明明知道自己有很多不足的地方
为什么还不努力向前？
以前很有干劲的叶芯仪去了哪里？
怎么我还可以让自己如此继续的堕落下去
怎么办？

是不是鱼儿的生活太久没有鲨鱼的出现了？
这几年来，都躲在风平浪静的小池塘
鱼儿过得太悠闲太自在了
过不久
就得回到大海生活了
怎么办？
鱼儿会不会因为鲨鱼的追杀而努力向前奔跑？
还是坐以待毙，就这样投降让鲨鱼吃掉？
可是又不行啊。。。说到底
这五年来，鱼儿也是有付出很多的
怎么可以这样放弃了呢？

这几天
真的很 DEPRESSION ....
鱼儿好像。。。真的放弃了
=(

連心

2011-02-26T23:24:00.001+08:00

不知怎么的最近的我爱上了老歌。。。哈哈。。。
这首是郑欣宜与刘家昌的经典合作。
自从进了小儿科部门，
我的生活只有三个选择：

我明天站岗
我今天站岗
我刚站岗完毕

没有一天是可以停歇的，刚站岗回来今晚又是Saturday Night，
应该要 enjoy 一下！！

最痛的心－母亲是伟大的

2011-02-20T18:33:00.003+08:00

昨天刚从小儿科部门站岗回来，真的把我累坏了。。。
不想多说，只想分享我此刻的心情。

还记得，以前一开始迈入医学生实习生涯时，常常会把私人感情放在病人身上，久而久之，再遇见更多病人之后慢慢地都变麻木了。但是在这里很想跟大家分享我在小儿科病房站岗的心情，突然间觉得自己是幸福的，是幸运的，虽然做医生让我牺牲了不少自己的时间，为病人而活，但是昨天看了那些小孩后，忽然间很开心觉得自己很幸运成为医生，有机会看到人生百态，即使牺牲了青春但真的不会白费了人生。

病人一
他患了 duodenal atresia 小肠锁闭症，刚刚施完手术，消瘦得不行，已经三个月大了，才三公斤而已，他的母亲也辞了工作，天天留在医院照顾他。他母亲告诉我，自从进院以来，她自己也瘦了8kg.　由于这婴儿需要根据医生安排的 nutrition 时间表定时喂奶，有时是每两个小时，有时每三个小时喂一次。就像昨天，是我负责这婴儿的饮食时间表，除了白天之外，凌晨的一点，三点，五点都要叫醒他的母亲泡奶喂这婴儿。我只不过每三天站岗一次，晚间没得睡，但是这母亲呢？天天都要这样的过生活。，

病人二
他患了一个罕见的病，名为 Pierre-Robin Syndrome , 三个月大，病情危在旦夕，更可怜的是原来他们的第一个孩子也是患有先天疾病而离世的，万万没想到第二个孩子也是那么的不幸。听护士们说原本这夫妻家境还不错的，但是之前为了救第一个孩子的生命已把屋子卖掉，孩子还是救不回来。现在他们都把所有希望寄予这第二个孩子，夫妻也没什么工作了，天天２４小时不眠不休地留在加护病房陪伴这孩子，希望奇迹可以出现，孩子可以活下去。

病人三
他患了Burkitt's Lymphoma, 伯基特淋巴瘤，才两岁的小孩就得忍受化疗的痛苦，而且在颈项的肿瘤把他压得喘不过气来，时常面临呼吸困难的危机。站岗到了今天早上，以是我第三十个局钟的工作时间，精力也消耗得七七八八了。。。在写报告时，竟然在报告上“鬼画符”，沉重的眼皮不听使唤地压下来，忽然间听到走廊传来一阵婴儿哭闹声，把我从“神智不清”的情况下唤醒了，好奇心的驱使下，去看看到底是哪家的婴儿在哭泣？原来是他。他的母亲楼着他在怀里，不停地想办法让他忘记肿瘤带给他的痛楚，忘记哭泣，但都徒劳无功。过了两个小时，那孩子还是哭泣着，我看到了一幕让我很辛酸的画面，那母亲一只手抱着还在哭泣着的孩子，也许看到我走进病房，另一只手就不好意思地默默地拟去自己脸上不停流下来的泪水！！！我看到了，眼睛也湿了。

是，那些不幸的孩子是很痛苦，
但是身为父母亲看见自己的孩子那么痛苦但又无能为力时，
心更痛！
试问世上还有谁的心能比那默默拟去自己泪水的母亲更痛呢？

今はまだ悲しい love song

2011-02-14T22:46:00.004+08:00

最後のキスは
タバコのflavorがした
にがくてせつない香
明日の今頃は
あなたはどこにいるんだろう
誰を想ってるんだろう
you are always gonna be my love
いつか誰かとまた恋に落ちても
i'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
今はまだ悲しい love song
新しい歌うたえるまで
立ち止ま時間が
動き出そうとしてる
忘れたくないことばかり
明日の今頃には
わたしはきっと泣いている
あなたを想ってるんだろう
you will always be inside my heart
いつもあなただけの場所があるから
i hope that i have a place in your heart too
now and forever you are still the one
今はまだ悲しい love song
新しい歌うたえるまで
you are always gonna be my love
いつか誰かとまた恋に落ちても
i'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
今はまだ悲しい love song

Love, can't you see I'm alone
Can't you give this fool a chance
A little love is all I ask
a little kindness in the night
Please don't leave me behind
No, don't tell me love is blind
A little love is all I ask
and that is all

Ooh... love
I've been searching so long
I've been searching high and low
A little love is all I ask
A little sadness when you're gone
Maybe you need a friend
Only please don't let's pretend
a ltitle love is all I ask
and that is all

I wanna spread my wings
But I just can't fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls
Go sailing by
Ocean deep
I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings
Solitary room
Ocean deep

Will I ever find a lover
May be she has found the lover
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine I'll keep
Ocean Deep

Love
Can't you hear when I call
Can't you hear a word I say
a little love is all I ask
a little feeling when we touch
Why am I still alone
I've got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask
and that is all
I wanna spread my wings
But I just can't fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls
Go sailing by
Ocean deep
I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings (in a)
Solitary room
Ocean deep
Will I ever find a lover
May be she has found the lover
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine I'll keep
Ocean Deep

原来爱情跟我开了个玩笑

2011-02-06T03:26:00.005+08:00

你在逃避着我在心疼着

是什麽在伤害着让美好都遗忘了
你是背对的我是沉默的
你不再叫我宝贝而我不再喊你亲爱的
我只好假装我已不爱了
催眠自己我们不适合
我放开你了我已不爱了
你快不快乐过得是否好呢我这样想着

你在爱谁呢谁在想你呢
是什麽在反覆着让回忆都翻起了
你是遥远的我是孤独的

有缘千里来相聚，无缘对面不相逢
只要看你一眼一瞬间
也就足够了
今天的造化
就等老天爷的安排吧
告诉你我悄悄地爱上了你
却不知怎么开口告诉你
你太完美显得我很卑微
我配不起你的爱
說服自己想多了
也许我从来就不曾浮现在你脑海中

你对我的好我都了解
我曾经说过
如果蝴蝶不再飞了还会漂亮吗
曾经以为不用再飞了
但是你我清楚了解
你我之间有段越不过的距离
两情相悦又如何？
这样的距离还要保持多久？
直到永远吗？
这样也好
至少可以把伤害减到最低
至少到最后我们还是朋友

到了最后
---原来爱情总爱跟我开玩笑---

Say bye to Forensic & Hello, Sweet HOME !

2011-02-05T20:33:00.006+08:00

REUNION DINNER 02.02.2011

This is the 1st time i had my reunion dinner in Bali. We ( As usual, the same gang of people ) went to Dynasty Lotus Restaurant for dinner, it cost Rp 140,000 ( RM 50 ) per person. Not really nice though, but the most important is the atmosphere. We did really enjoyed it ! Can see from the photo below... we ordered the "yu shang" , and we just found out Bali Chinese, they don't mix by them self but the chef mixed for them. Immediately we stopped the chef from doing this... and all of us stand up , pick up our chopsticks and shout "Fat arr... Fat arr.....!!!!" while we mixing the "yu shang" ! and of course, we became the focus of the restaurant !!! everyone looked at us.. yet we not felt any embarrassment.. =P

STUDY DAY 03.02.2011

although is the 1st day of CNY where i supposed to enjoy the day to the max, sadly i had my exam on the next day... so what to do ? stay at my dorm and study...but the progress of study was darn slow as my heart already on the way fly back home. LOL

EXAM AND ON-CALL DAY 04.02.2011

Having my exam in the morning. Right after the exam, my last on-call in forensic department started. On-call in forensic divided into two part --> Forensic Pathology and Forensic Clinic.

Forensic Pathology - Stay at the forensic building , stay with the "corpse". If there are any case of unnatural death eg. traffic accident, we have to perform the external examination on the dead bodies.
Forensic Clinic - Stay at the Emergency Room, record all the cases which have the potential bringing to court, deal with the police man and the client/victim, about insurance etc. Besides, we also play the role as the 1st-line practitioner who handle all the rape cases, sexual harassment, criminal cases, disputed paternity, persecution, etc.. before consult to forensic specialist.

The following picture --> when i had my last on-call in Forensic Clinic.
Again, i would like to sound out forensic is really an interesting department.. I learned a lot throughout the lab, about the mechanism of death in cases of strangulation, hanging, gun shot wound, stab wound, suicide , sexual abuse or rape, sudden death, electrical injury, burn injury, infanticide, etc etc....

Out of surprise, someone bought me a drink at 2am when i almost fall asleep during on-call, feel warm and touched. You know who you are... Thanks a lot.. =)

CASE PRESENTATION AND GO HOME 05.02.2011

Hoorayyyyyyyyyyyy^^^^^^^!!!!!
Hopefully it is not too late to collect ang pao ,agree ?
kekekekeke,.....

HAPPY CNY !!! 新年快乐！！

2011-02-03T09:09:00.004+08:00

祝大家
新年快乐
兔年行好运
大家心想事成万事如意
最重要的是身体健康天天开心

This is the photo which i took in my room...
I purposely decorate my family photos in a heart-shaped and paste at the wall which is just beside my bed. hehe....

another thing which i love the most
Winnie Pooh !!!
but is only a small size winnie pooh in my room
hmm... daddy, I want a 1.6M height winnie pooh when i graduate , deal ?? =P

Wishing everyone HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR !!!!
have a PROSPEROUS YEAR ahead !!!
and the most important
- good health -

Ok, is the time to study and get ready for tomorrow osce examination in forensic department !!!
having Oncall right after my exam on friday
Saturday Case Presentation
Sunday back to my BELOVED HOME !!!!!!! Hooray ^^^^
Can't wait for it.....

Pray for my exam tomorrow because really not study much
Hardly focus in my study on this very 1st day of CNY !!!

Lucky !

2011-01-28T16:20:00.003+08:00

Jason Mraz - Lucky

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

I'm COMING HOME.... another 1 week ++
Can't wait for it !!!! Woohoo^^^^^^
I want to go for movie, ktv, shopping !!!!
I'm going to get out of the dull hospital life after 10 months never break !!!

Forensic Expert !!! 法政先锋

2011-01-24T10:17:00.002+08:00

It's been sometimes since last i uploaded about my medical life in Bali..
Time flies, I had finished my 1st part of clinical years ( "surgery cycle" ) and now it comes to the 2nd part of clinical years which we called it as "medical cycle".
Well, for your information, Surgery Cycle is more about skills and "action", meanwhile Medical Cycle is more about study and knowledge, which include the following :

Radiology
Forensic
Pediatrics
Internal Medicine
Public Health
Ophthalmology
Psychiatry

I have 4 weeks time in Forensic department, had been gone through the 1st week and now comes to the 2nd week. I wanna write a lil bit about what happened for the past 1st week.

had been went through two autopsy : Neonatal Cases which suspect infanticide. Another one is homicide of an adult. It's really interesting when doctor was explaining about what we discovered and deduced the time of death, the way the corpse might killed, and revealed the cause of death throughout the process of autopsy. In the same time, it only the smell of corpse which we really need to endure. The culture over here, we are not allowed ( hmm... not to say not allow, but it is "better not" ) to wear face mask, the reason given is by not wearing face mask is a way of respect the dead bodies. Thus, there are NO one wearing masks during the autopsy, so if you insist to wear, you looked VERY WEIRD among the people !!! so what i did was using my fingers and pinched my nose when i really couldn't stand with the smell. But most of the time, no much people pinch their nose too.. so i am one of the weirdooooo...!!! Gimme sometime, I will learn to be immune to the smell !

Two times of experience in performing External examination ( 验尸) : One was died on traffic accident, and he only 18 years old. So please everyone, ride / drive carefully ! Don't lose your life because of traffic accident, It really heartbroken to see the parents cried bitterly upon their death children. Another cases was about sudden cardiac arrest of a young army , 22years old, experienced convulsion and died when he received punishment in the military forces of nation. Me and my friends , total of four, went to the military camp.. and what happened was we were well greeted by the captain and naval officers and crowded by over hundreds of soldiers. We went inside the center of the camp and saw a coffin covered by the flag of Indonesia. A good experience thou, something like what happened in the movie.

Duty in forensic department include standby at the emergency room, recorded all the cases, assess the wound how it got hurt, handle all kind of cases include sexual assault, murder, suicide etc. I love the morning report, everyday each group will present the cases they encounter during their duty and we will discuss about the wound investigation, for the murder cases or if the corpse come with putrefaction, we learn to find out the identification of the corpse, investigation of death, their post-mortem changes, the blood stain, the mode of being killed and provide our findings or useful information and cooperate with the police.
We have a meeting room for us to analyze the cases like what happened in the movie, and i really really salute the forensic doctors the way they analyze and explain the cases !

Really gain a lot of interesting knowledge in this lab, especially how the killer would do on the corpse trying to mask up the real setting of the case. haha..!!! By studying forensic pathology, each case will reveal the truth !!! Sadly, there are still lack of forensic doctors in Indonesia. ( i not really know the condition in Malaysia ). There are only 3 forensic doctors in Bali, so everyday we can see the 3 doctors work like the mad ones but they still looked so happy.. Actually I really so curious the reason they choose to specialize in forensic. In Indonesia it is FREE OF CHARGE to specialize in Forensic because they wanna encourage more doctors to involve in this field. Although F.O.C. but from what i noticed, it is still not successful to attract doctors to specialize in this field.

This is the Forensic Canteen which located beside the forensic department, provided food and drinks for those unfortunate family... of course, doctors are welcome too.. haha...

This is the TWO LARGE CONTAINERS which people always talk about... it contained all the victim who are undetermined identity, or those who are not collected by their family. What i heard from my friends, it still contain the full body or part of body of the victims during the Bali BOM 2002.

DISASTER VICTIM IDENTIFICATION - the DVI TEAM which is really well developed in Bali especially after the incident of Bali Bom in year 2002.

During our 30 hours duty in forensic department which happened once in 3 days, you will see the offering or worships goods placed on the floor of each corner and in front of EACH room. From what my friend told me, by offering these to prevent "them" to "disturb" us during the night.

the ambulances which transporting the dead bodies to the hospital...

What we afraid the most during the duty is the sound of the corpse trolley coming to our way, which mean some one had died and we need to handle the dead bodies by performing external examination.

In all, case discussion and investigation is undeniably interesting, but frankly speaking, i still feel very scare in handling dead bodies or staying up at night in the forensic department.

*Rest In Peace*
*Treasure your life*
*Finger-crossed*
*Amen*

秘密花园 - 那个女人

2011-01-17T21:40:00.003+08:00

那个女人认真的爱着你
每天每天就像你的影子跟随着你

那个女人笑着却也哭着
究竟还得独自注视着你多久
着像风一般的爱情这像是谎言的爱情
还得持续多久你才能爱我

只要悄悄走近你
只要靠近你一步就会后退两步的你
这样爱着你的我
现在就在你的身旁那个女人哭泣着

那个女人非常的小心
所以现在学习笑着的方法
连和好朋友都不能倾诉的话语太多了
所以那个女人总是在哭泣
所以那个女人正爱着你

这样的傻瓜因为是这样的傻瓜
所以可以拥抱我吗？

我也想要被爱亲爱的
每天每天在心里只能在心里
这样呼唤着你那个女人
今天依然在你身旁

那个女人就是我你知道吗？
还是你明明知道还是依然如此呢？
不知道的你真是个大傻瓜啊~

究竟还得独自注视着你多久？
这像傻瓜一般的爱情这像是谎言的爱情
还得持续多久你才能爱我

分解

2011-01-08T16:43:00.004+08:00

吵架时为什么会大声？

原因是当两个人相互愤怒的时候，他们的心和心相距很远；

为了填补这段距离，他们必须呼喊才能让彼此的心听到

他们越是愤怒，心和心距离则越是遥远

于是，他们只有越发强力呼喊，他们彼此才能听到

反过来也就是恋爱时为什么情侣们都喃喃低语的原因。。。

幸福不是被致命的错误所扼杀，而是被不断重复出现的小错一点点分解掉

已经被分解得体无完肤了

不希望再被分解了

要不然距离就会越分越离了

请原谅我的愚笨

Happy New Year 2011

2011-01-01T14:16:00.008+08:00

My dearie friends
Happy New Year 2011 !!!

Cheers to a new year and
another chance for us to get it right !!!

I believed it would be a better year ahead !!!
Let bygone Be bygone ..
I have a feeling I will love this year
and it would be the truth !
My prayer will be answered
My family will and always be blessed...

This is the roadside view in Bali..
You can see firecrackers selling everywhere..
which is the scene where we can only seen in Malaysia 10 years ago

when the clock struck 00.00 , 01 Jan 2011 .. The whole Bali fell into a frenzied state, firecrackers everywhere, we not needed to go a particular place to see the firecrackers because it's just everywhere and It's really really spectacular !!!

I wish this would be my last year celebrate new year in Bali.. it's been 6 years never celebrate new year back home.. really longed for it.. !
time flies, comes to the final year in Bali ,
people always in dilemma, i always said i wanna leave this sucks place asap
but when it come to the final year,
i want to say , i will really treasure my final year in Bali

My Quote of 2011 :

"If you want to succeed in your life, remember this phrase: The Past does not equal The Future. Because you failed yesterday; or all day today; or a moment ago; or for the last six months; the last 16 years; or the last fifty years of life, doesn't mean anything...All that matters is: What are you going to do, RIGHT NOW!!?"

说不出的委屈

2010-12-28T15:53:00.004+08:00

有些令人讨厌的护士会一直奚落她这个左撇子
有些思想不开放的医生会觉得她左手不礼貌
所以她千辛万苦学习习惯右手
用右手吃饭，
用右手写报告，
用右手接生孩子，
用右手使用剪刀，
她甚至已很习惯用右手帮病人缝合伤口
这也是她觉得自己很骄傲的事情

还有很多大大小小的事情
她也忘了从何开始从何结束
很多时候想在部落格发泄
到最后也放弃了因为时间上的不允许
终于有空档的时候
她也累得没有力气打开手提电脑为部落填上方块字

但是今天发生的一些事
她真的无法再憋气忍受下去了
决定向上层报告为自己的尊严争一口气
上层也只不过对他口头上的惩戒
顿时她觉得她的尊严怎么那么廉价
也对啦。。。她也只不过是一个廉价的“外劳”
她也太过天真，高估自己了吧？
难道上层会为了一个“外劳”打自己人吗？
没被珍惜的感觉真的很心痛
她为她自己心痛
事情一发生
她即时想起他
原来她还是戒不掉对他的依靠
他还会对她的遭遇而感心疼吗？
除了父母亲之外，她还会是谁心目中的公主呢？

如果有一天她毕业回来了
请别看小她从印尼大学回来
她也不是一路顺利地走过来的
也只有跟她一起同甘共苦的战友目睹一路上的崎岖

如果真的有那么一天她成功了
请别认为她是幸运的
她真的付出了很多代价很多的委屈很多努力而换来的

把眼泪擦干
鼓起勇气努力向前奔跑
但是当她累了可有一个肩膀让她依靠？
还剩三天就是2010年的终点
为悲伤附上句号希望明年会更好

Saturday Night 站岗趣事

2010-11-28T16:32:00.006+08:00

昨天saturday night 虽得站岗但其实还蛮开心的。因为第一次站岗用着了三种语言！！！（不然平时都只是印尼话而已。）

趣事一
医生Ａ叫我去handle坐在角落的一位病人，放眼看过去还以为是印尼华侨，所以我直接以印尼话问候病人：Bu, ada apa yang saya bisa bantu ? apa keluhannya ?
病人眼睁睁的看着我：can... can...y..o..u speak e..n..glish ....？
我听得出这病人也不是怎么会说英文，所以我直接换成华语回答：请问你是哪里的人？有什么我可以帮忙的吗？
原来她是从中国来的游客，在旅游时，她的孩子不小心被猴子爪伤。。。导游劝她说，由于岜哩岛的疯狗病毒还蛮猖狂的，虽然伤口只是平面伤，还是来医院检察以及打预防针比较好。
当我得用很“正统”的华语与中国病人沟通时，才发现真的如此困难！！！尤其是得已华语解释翻译科学用词时。。。真的好困难哦！！！我吱吱唔唔的。。。头脑一直在努力的翻译，　infection 话语是什么？　rabies virus 话语怎么说？　immune system ?　cell proliferation ? 等等。。。
实习那么就已来，第一次可以用回自己的语言与病人沟通真是一种很棒的感觉！！！第一次用华语问候病人，“痛不痛？”，第一次听到病人跟我说“谢谢”，第一次我说“不客气”。。。　真的好兴奋哦！！！！

趣事二
来了一个从 London 的病人，在旅游时，不小心从大岩石掉下来跌伤脚。。。
病人：hi, are you a doctor ? I fell from a rock and now i want to have a X-ray scanning .. and please don't gimme any injection, is that OK ?
我：Yes, I'm a Junior Doctor. Okie, i will give you a X-ray scanning of your leg first, and then only determine whether u need any injection or not ? i'm afraid you may have a close fracture or dislocation... and.... "
病人：“Fxxk !!!"
我吓了一跳当她以 F 字母问候。。。过后她才解释“ I'm not scolding at you , but when i heard i might need an injectin , the feeling is jus like FxxK .."
我当然知道她不是问候我，也许 Fxxk 对她们来说是习以为常的字眼，但我还是很不习惯。
之后，医生也帮她看病，碰了碰她的脚，痛得她又再大喊 FxxK !!!
整个急症室焦点都在她身上。。。。我真的是无话可说。

趣事三
到了晚上 9 点，由于现在的我是在 Pediatric Surgery Department, 所以需要帮有问题的婴儿们比如肛门闭锁症，Hirschprung疾病的婴儿“洗屁股”／Rectal Wash-Outs.. 每次婴儿都会哭得差点震破我的耳膜。。。
而且我相信那些婴儿都应该很讨厌我吧？因为每次我只须踏入病房，他们一　看见我就开始哭了。。。我有那么恐怖吗？Awww...不想婴儿们那么讨厌我耶，因为我真的很喜欢他们，也心疼他们一出世就得忍受动手术以及一切的痛苦。
所以，医生与我就想出了用手套吹成气球来逗他们开心，（以下图中。。。）

却想不到。。。
竟然弄巧反拙！！！
原本已经停止哭泣的婴儿们，
看到了这“古怪”的“气球”立刻又号啕大哭了！！！
天哪～～～～婴儿们，我真的是投降，拿你们没办法啊～～！！！

Contemplating Stregth of the Life

2010-11-17T19:06:00.004+08:00

This is the hawker stall which i always have my dinner
It was dark, dirty and unhealthy
yet i have no way out
the only thing is i need to learn to bear with it and longing for the day which i can get rid out of a places where i not belonged to...

yesterday a little bit of depress duty in the emergency room
because i always asked to do some "stupid" jobs and learn nothing

the jobs which i meant to be "stupid" are :
sending patient to radiology department for either X-ray or CT-scan
tat's still OK for me
cleaning the blood which the patient vomited out on the floor
tat's still not the worse
Cleaning the faces which gushing out from the patient stomach due to the failure closure of the colon
tat's worse !
Bringing the pee-pot for the patient to pass water and after that i am the one who need to wash the pee-pot !!!!
tat's the worst thing to me !

Maybe i really not mighty enough to be a great doctor...
frankly speaking, i really dislike those jobs...
Starting salute the nurses...
because nurse is the one who need to endure all of these...

.........................................................................................

I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.
I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.
I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.
I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild.
I get a little bit helpless and I wish i could lying like a child in your arms.
I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry.

I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.
I'm living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.

Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart.
Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in the dark.

.................................................................

Well, stop writing the distressing words nor sentences...
because

"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find resources of strength that will endure as long as life lasts."
- Rachel Carson

and I am very sure that
I will contemplate it in the very near future !

Satellite Trip II & III : Singaraja & Wangaya Hospital

2010-10-24T11:45:00.010+08:00

Since i started Surgery Department 3 weeks ago, it was freaking busy and tired. Sorry bloggie, been ignoring you for so long...

Well, I would like to continue the blog post about my satellite trip in Obstetrics and Gynecology. After the 1st Satellite hospital trip , here we go to the 2nd and 3rd satellite trip..!

Satellite Trip II : Singaraja Hospital

The following picture shows how's the delivery room looked like over there.. quite spacious.. and they have room for USG scanning, VIP patient delivery room, Economic delivery room, and Gynecology Room. Few shots which i took with the midwife over there... =)

** Felt myself so clumsy while cuddling a baby in arms...**

The picture of the hostel condition which located just behind the hospital...

To me, Satellite hospital trip is FUN and GOOD in the sense of u can handle the patient fully by your own.. In the contrary which SERIOUSLY tortured me alot is the condition of the hostel provided by the hospital.... it's not "super" dirty but still i had to take a deep breath and tolerate the cleanliness over there especially the toilet and the bed...

Here's the front door of the Emergency room of Obstetrics and Gynecology which stated there --> 24 Hours !!! Not really 24 hours thou, because i will sleep at the front door counter at night when there is no new patient... hehehe..... I'm only human man... =P

Satellite Trip III : Wangaya Hospital

Some snap shots with the friends , midwife and nurses over there...
Note that I took a nurse cap and put on my head... Does it looked weird ???? Guess so....

Some babies photo which i would like to share with you all...

Upper left pic : A premature baby which is too Small
Lower left pic : A Macrosomic ( when the birth weight is > 4.0kg - 4.5kg ) Baby
Lower right pic : Anencephaly --->> Infant born without a forebrain, the largest part of the brain consisting mainly of the cerebral hemispheres (which include the neocortex, which is responsible for higher-level cognition, i.e., thinking). The remaining brain tissue is often exposed—not covered by bone or skin.

In Obgyn department, of course not only about handling a labour, but also the pathological cases for instances abortion, ectopic pregnancy, dysfunctional uterine bleeding and many more...
Another interesting point is you will learn a lot of moral values indirectly when go through these department..

For example, a 16 years old girl come to the emergency room with her boyfriend and complain about profuse menstrual bleeding, after physical examination , you found there are flesh in the blood....and so what do u think ??? After the incident, she cried over spill milk because the feeling of guiltiness towards her parents... it really otiose... Don't do something which make yourself regret.

and trust me, you will definitely love your mum even more after witnessing by naked eyes on the process of mother giving birth...

In a nutshell, I really MISS OBGYN now.... !!!

Miss the feeling of handling a delivery by my own and u heard the baby crying out loud...
Miss the feeling of when you helping out the mother, thy will scold you or even pinch you because of the intolerable pain but after giving birth to a child, they will step forward to apologize upon their ragged attitude and thank you with a grateful heart.

The feeling of satisfaction within is really really Meriting !!!!

对梦想负责

2010-10-19T08:01:00.002+08:00

刘伟 - 中国达人秀的冠军 --〉armless pianist !!! 征服了多少人的心和眼泪，感动了多少正在悲伤的心。。。

虽然
嗓音没像张雨生般的动人，
样子也没像王力宏般的帅气，
弹琴的功力也没像Maxim般的怔撼，

但是他弹出来的第一颗音符，唱出第一句的 “my life is brilliant... ”
心，莫名的感动，眼泪也不知觉地掉了下来

在我对自己的梦想怀疑时，在我埋怨自己的梦想时，在我后悔着干嘛选择这梦想时，
听到了他说的一句话---〉

要对自己的梦想负责任

我的人生只有两个选择
要么就赶紧的死，
要么就精彩的活着
没有人规定钢琴一定要用手弹！！！

他的这几句话真的振奋人心，就像评审说的，我们这些健全的人看了他的表演和态度后，没资格去批评或埋怨对社会的不满。。。应该要像他般精彩，快乐的活下去。。。！！！

生日。感激

2010-10-10T07:56:00.007+08:00

进入了医学生实习生涯后，每个人都忙得不可开交，各有不同的时间行程及考试。。。
虽然简单，但是我深深地知道 It's the heart that counts 　＝）

最让我感动的，

朋友A，原本她必须在我生日当天站岗，但她为了我的生日而想尽办法与其它同事们交换时间表．．谢谢你特地挪出时间陪伴我度过生日，还有你的生日蛋糕。在这小岛屿，朋友虽不多，但有你这个自己，真的真的足够了。。。　

朋友B, 在我生日前夕，谢谢你飞来岜厘岛为我提早庆祝。。。真的很感激。知道你回去后病倒了，虽然我没多问，但关心的心依然在，记得要好好照顾自己哦。你的好我无法偿还，只能说，永远的朋友，我感激你。

朋友C,谢谢你从远方寄给我的包裹，你的心意我都收到了，也很明白你的真心及用心，我真的喜欢你送来的礼物。。。谢谢。在这里祝你天天开心，事业有成，也别再等待一些不可能，放开那些不可能，去寻找到属于你的幸福。

医院的护士们，谢谢你们的祝福与陪伴，还有一大“箱”的 Doughnut, 我可真的是用了三天三夜才把它们吃完呢！！！　呵呵。。。

世界各地的朋友们，虽然无法与你们见面，但是你们的祝福，不管是来电的，邮信的，面子书的，电子邮信的。。。所有所有我都收到了。。。真的很开心！！！

当然还有我的父母亲，谢谢你们。。。数一数，原来已是第五个年头在这里过生日了。回想起来，还蛮感伤的因为我真的很渴望可以与家人一起共度生日。想起小时候，每每听到爸爸妈妈要带我去McDonald 或是 KFC　就雀跃到不行！！！那种感觉真的让人非常怀念。。。那简单的快乐。。。　
我真的很想回家了。。。。。。！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

坚强的理由

2010-10-07T07:37:00.001+08:00

人人都说女孩子不要太要强、太独立、太厉害，不然会不招人喜欢。

可是，我若不要强、不独立、不变厉害，谁会在我最无助的时候伸出援手？

靠山山会倒，靠人人会跑。

妈妈说，女孩子，只有自己强大了，才不会被别人当做附属品。

家世好的女孩子，会有爸妈为其铺好华丽丽的金砖大道，

相貌好的女孩子，会有男友老公等着为其鞍前马后尽献殷勤，

运气好的女孩子，会有贵人相助使之平步青云鸡犬升天，

。。。

。。。。

。。。。。

真是，不幸，我似乎哪个都排不上，

所以，别再问我为什么总是那么不解风情，

别再埋怨我没有一点女孩子的娇柔体贴，

别再说我笑得太大声，走得太快，讲话太男孩子气。

别再嫌弃我太过实际，太过理智，太冷血。

因为，我知道，下雨天如果忘带伞，就一定会淋雨，

淋雨之后，不赶快擦干头发，换掉衣服，就一定会感冒发烧，

生病之后，不赶快看医生吃药就会越病越厉害。

曾经去输液，隔床的女孩一边给老师打电话请假，一边哭，

我当时觉得，这孩子真傻，哭又能怎样？

真是个傻孩子。。。可我也曾是个傻孩子。。。

曾经我会在躲雨的屋檐下看着一个个被接走的人觉得自己像是个弃猫，

曾经我会在饿的胃疼却连水都没得喝的时候很想哭，

曾经我会在拥挤的公车上被人左推右推的时候感到委屈，

曾经我在冬天的夜色里默默对自己说“生日快乐”

曾经我在被冤枉却无力辩解时躲在厕所捂着嘴巴大声地压抑着哭。

我不是苦水里泡大的孩子，我只是个不愿意向世俗妥协的女孩。

我可以很乖、很听话、很粘人、猫咪样迷迷糊糊躲在他大衣上边左侧口袋里幸福地打盹，

睡醒了就用小爪子不轻不重地抓他毛衣上的绒线球，

若他瞪眼，我就会“喵呜，喵呜”装装小可怜，他无奈的笑，我便胜利。。

而在此之前，我会一直努力坚强着，扬起下巴，不哭，不闹，不发脾气。

只微笑。没有女孩子愿意一直坚强，

只是她在等一个理由，一个可以不强迫自己坚强的理由。

在此之前，她只有自己保护自己，直到骑士到来，巫婆的咒语解除，她便是公主。

Angel's Cry

2010-09-28T06:10:00.002+08:00

Recently i just so entranced with the song --> Angel's Cry !!!

With just a blink of an eye, I had completed 2 satellite hospital trips and Thanks God, i didn't did anything which detrimental to the patient. Well, sometimes the doctors would feel like bite my head off , but in short, It was really a pleasant trip.... and out of surprise, I'm missing the satellite trip On-call !!!!!

COming to the 3rd satellite hospital trip. The location of this hospital is near my dorm and thus i don't need to stay in the hospital anymore.... ^^^hooray^^^

Ok, going to "jaga" ( oncall ) now.... *finger-crossed*

Satellite Trip I : Karangasem HospitaL

2010-09-12T12:34:00.000+08:00

Time flies... I have completed the 1st series of the Obgyn Satellite hospital trip. Here i post some photos narrated about the things that i had experienced for the past 2 weeks in this hospital. In short, is tiring but really nice !!!! I really learned a lot throughout this 2 weeks in the aspect of skill. Theory ? uh hum... i had no much time to study...I just couldn't wait to get into the dream world after the 30hours oncall..and by the time i woke up, another 30 hours oncall repeat again... excuses ??? =P

This is how i fitted out myself when i was going to handle a labor. Oopss.. forgot the cap. don't imitate yeah, this is not hygienic =P

Does it look funny to wear the apron + boots ?? at the 1st place, I really felt it looked funny..as if like working in a kitchen instead of a labor room. hahaha... but it's really important to get rid from the blood / amniotic fluid splashing on your clothes. And the boots served the same function as well... it made me think about .... phua chu kang ...!!! haha...

* Enjoying photo shooting in the Labor room *

The following picture is the very memorizing one, my ever 1st experience in handle a delivery. and the few other babies which i handled their birth as well. It was really touched to see mother so hard and suffer in giving us birth...

Some view about the hostel of this hospital... far better than what i imagined ! It was like heaven and hell difference with what i had experienced in Negara Hospital when i was in Neurology Department.

* the most important --> Air-conditioner !!! *
* We all sleep like a pig each time after the 30hours working *

Snap-shot session with the doctors here.. Thousand of thanks to dr.Suci ( lower left picture : right beside me ) who guided and taught me patiently the technique and skill of how to handle a delivery.

One thing very important i have learned over here is ---> my right hand is "functioning" !! FYI, I'm left-handed. Before coming here, I was quite nervous and lack of confidence in handling baby delivery / stitching the laceration of the perineum on the mother. I always doubt myself in doing intricate work like cutting or stitching by using right hand. But after few trials and without giving up, I can make it now ~!!!!! This was really inciting and convinced me that "aeris boleh" !

Learned a lesson behind :
"Everything is POSSIBLE if you dare to try ,
Everything would be IMPOSSIBLE if you hold back, and refrain from doing it !"

In a nut shell, felt myself still quite clumsy at times, but Thank God i didn't made any trouble or putting the mother/baby in risk...and of course, my skill still yet to be improved.. Gimme some time.. I believed i can do better.. hehe..

The final photo session of my last oncall in this hospital on this sunday morning. Yes, we are clad in Pink Uniform during oncall.. looked like patient more than doctor ,isn't it ? haha... They said pink color is more patient-friendly... and patient won't have the so-called "white coat" phenomenon on us...

Packing up my luggage, moving to the next satellite destination in this arvo --> Buleleng Hospital !!! Here I come ^^

Again, FINGER-CROSSED... may i handle every delivery safely and do no harm to both mother and baby. Amen.

好久不见

2010-09-07T20:08:00.003+08:00

好久不见

我来到你的城市走过你来时的路
想像着没我的日子你是怎样的孤独

拿着你给的照片熟悉的那一条街
只是没了你的画面我们回不到那天

你会不会忽然的出现
在街角的咖啡店
我会带着笑脸挥手寒暄
和你坐着聊聊天
我多么想和你见一面
看看你最近改变
不再去说从前只是寒暄
对你说一句只是说一句
好久不见

已经好久好久没再收到你的简讯
从前一天一封的简讯直到一星期一封的简讯
再转换成偶尔意外接收的简讯。。。
再转换成只属于你的铃声从此不再响起。。。

Obstetrics & Gynecology - Finger Crossed

2010-09-01T18:00:00.007+08:00

I would be in ONG / Obgyn ( Obstetrics & Gynecology ) department for a period of 10 weeks.

1st n 2nd week - Quarantine week in the main hospital of Bali.

From the 3rd - 8th week, i will be traveling around 3 different satellite hospitals of Bali.

3rd-4th week ( which means NOW ) - Karangasem Hospital
5th-6th week - Buleleng Hospital
7th-8th week - Wangaya Hospital

and the 9th and 10th week back to the Main Hospital and sit for the final exam.

Thus, I would be away from my comfort zone ( my room ) for 6weeks... I miss my room especially my "beddie" so much.... actually is really good to serve the community in the satellite hospital where i would have the chance to handle the laboring mother thoroughly by my own. Yesterday learned to deliver the placenta under supervision of doctor, indeed a nice experience..! Will have more chances to do so in the coming weeks and handle the whole delivering process from 'A' to "z" ... *Finger-Crossed*

After witnessing the whole process of delivering and how much the mothers suffering from the pain of delivering, i really getting more and more appreciate my mum and Love her even more ^^

Bitter Sweet of Anesthesiology ! Loved it !

2010-08-22T11:50:00.014+08:00

Time flies, fingers counted.. wow..! I had been went through quite a number of labs - 1st, ENT . 2nd, Neurology . 3rd, Dermatology. 4th, Anesthesiology. And Now ---> Obstetrics and Gynecology. Been busy for this whole 1st week because this is the week of quarantine where all of us have to stay in hospital and standby 24hours.

Finally it came to the last day of quarantine and i squeeze out a lil bit of my time during dinner break to write a post about my story in Anesthesiology department.

Well, as usual, not much writing.. just wish to share with you all my latest photos which i taken during these lab.

1st, entering anesthesiology department is just about grabbing the chance of doing this ( the following picture ) at the summative examination . ( oopss...i mean doing on the real patient instead of this mannequin.. 0.o ---->>>>>>

ENDOTRACHEAL INTUBATION !!

( a cool one ! haha !!! )
one of the reason i love this department

2nd, you got the chance of doing induction ( means hypnotize a patient and take care of them during the operation ) In this picture, GUESS what i was holding ????

This is the drug which Michael Jackson Kill himself !
named,
PROPOFOL !!!!

so when you are insomnia or agitated, NEVER EVER PLAY FOOL with those drug before understanding the toxicity or the risk overdosage of the drug
because It might cause you FALL ASLEEP FOREVER.... juz like michael

3rd, throughout the lab, i have the chance to see all sorts of surgery.

4th, each time i entered operating theater's changing room, i just couldn't get myself from ignoring the FUNNY TRANSLATION below.

"Ruang Ganti Dokter Spesialis Pria"
( Pria - Male )
translated to
"Changing Room of the Doctor Specialist of Man"

So funny !!!

why not just
"Male Specialist Changing Room" ?

I really so interested to know what the Caucasian students' thinking every time thy read these...
I'm so bad huh... Yes, I admit ! haha... ( just joking.. Just trying to make my life more laughter while working in hospital ... anything which can create some sparkles throughout my dull routine life, i would just love it ! haha ! psycho >.<"" )

Another picture - All the "smelly" shoes parading themself infront the entrance of operating theater

5th, when it comes to the end, of course, photo session !. I would never forget to grab photos.. haha... because it might be the last time...no no no, i think it was really the 1st and the last time ( the only one chance) practicing anesthesiolgy in Bali...
Guess i would miss it when i back to Malaysia... Full of bitter and sweet MEMORY !!!!

6th, why i love anesthesiolgy ?? when there's no patient, no operation... I can just dancing in the operating theater !! haha... Just Joke ! ok! Actually I was so scared to let doctor saw I so daring to dance with the infuse stand. LOL

All of us make chaos in the Operating Theater In the very final on-call of Anesthesia ! Interesting !

Don't misunderstand, we were very serious when the operation was carrying on , ok ?? =P

That's all for my anesthesiology department ! It's full of ADVENTUROUS, Challenges, FUN and of course, some troubles which i stated in the previous post...! After entering obstetrics and gynecology, i really really miss anesthesiolgy at the moment !!!!!!!

and I wanna said, I REALLY REALLY SO ADMIRED ALL THE ANESTHESIOLOGIST. Genius above all the genius !!!!!

空虚

2010-08-19T17:30:00.004+08:00

第一个星期进入妇产科
就得 quarantine 7天x24小时
天天都得站岗
而且需要随时 stand-by 被医生叫到生产部门

这种生活
日夜颠倒
好笑的是今天凌晨四点钟我去follow-up 病人时，
也混淆了今天是星期几
察看之下
才知道原来是星期四
很好
还剩三天
星期日的晚上10pm 就获得释放了

生活很忙
但却也同时增添了我心里的空虚
过去的回忆又涌上心头
还要多久
我才能够回家？
还要多久才能见到您们？

时间紧迫却没办办法停下来
天天都很累，
有空闲的时间也真的很没精力读书
我只能说
如果你想要就读医学系，
你一定要是个超爱读书的人
不然。。。

渴望被拥抱的
却不被拥抱
只想和你做朋友的
却死心踏地留在你身旁

刺蝟的坚强

2010-08-13T13:15:00.002+08:00

刺蝟

最後一抹的微笑在转身之後
我闭上眼哭了
仅存的一点点骄傲
华丽的外表终於丢掉
很旁徨很孤单是寂寞或悲惨
一个人该怎么办

像是刺蝟般防范伪装得勇敢
不轻易让你看穿
我以为可以很坦然
面对分开时不觉得伤感
然而将灯关上一片无声黑暗
心痛得大声呼喊

我想我没那么坚强
每个女孩其实一样
渴望着爱情的好渴望被拥抱
却都害怕爱让人受伤

承认我没那么坚强
不过是一而再的逞强
小心将情绪收藏比傻瓜还傻
刺蝟的坚强全都是假象.. 哭吧

像是刺蝟般防范伪装得勇敢
不轻易让你看穿
我以为可以很坦然
面对分开时不觉得伤感
然而将灯关上一片无声黑暗
心痛得大声呼喊

我想我没那么坚强
每个女孩其实一样
渴望着爱情的好渴望被拥抱
却都害怕爱让人受伤

承认我没那么坚强
不过是一而再的逞强
小心将情绪收藏比傻瓜还傻
刺蝟的坚强全都是假象

我想我没那么坚强
每个女孩其实一样
渴望着爱情的好渴望被拥抱
却都害怕爱让人受伤

承认我没那么坚强
不过是一而再的逞强
小心将情绪收藏比傻瓜还傻
刺蝟的坚强全都是假象.. 哭吧

星期三，会见 Dr.A，我的 literature review 一而再再而三的更改后，终于 Dr.A approved 了我的 writing. 可是他却要求我星期五做 presentation. 准备的时间太短了吧？

星期四，有考试，所以星期三的整天我都在复习，也没怎么睡觉因为听说我的考官，dr.B 是一个 Killer Doctor. 所以还没为我的presentation 做任何准备，也还没开始做 slide show

星期四，终于考试了，但是 dr.B 还是给了我三个 Task writing ，题目是关于刚才考试我做得不足的地方。下午从医院赶回来上网收集资料，资料收齐了但已是傍晚十分，我都还没开始把资料文章写出来。草草吃了晚餐，立刻赶工，但是九时晚上需要去医院站岗，怎么办？我只好提着手提电脑及整堆资料赶到医院的手术室继续赶稿。幸好当晚急症的手术不多，我有空档继续做我的任务。

凌晨一点，终于赶完了Task Writing，但我还有 Slide Presentation 需要开始 Edit,尽管身体很疲累了，但是还是坚持的j继续因为我根本没选择啊。。 Dr.A 要求我明天 present, 不可能跟他bargain 说dr.B 也给了我很多任务以及我还有考试得进行。凌晨四点，终于全部 settle了。

凌晨五点，从医院回家，想要小睡片刻因为待会儿还有考试跟presentation 等着我。怎知醒来时竟然是 6.45am ! 七点就是 morning report 了。。。我尽了我的全力就在 7.05 am 到达。。门一打开，竟然又是那只大怪物主持 morning report. Oh my gosh ! 再一次的，我又再被赶出去了。。。而且他还说要记我的名。

被赶出去的我，失魂落魄地，漫无目的的在医院走廊上徘徊。。。终于让我找到一间隐秘的房间躲了起来。回想这几天过着的生活，我只能用“No life” 来形容。我不给excuse, 因为那只大怪物说迟到是 No excuse 的。可是你要了解啊。。在一天里要完成四个任务，你真的以为那么简单吗？我已是很多天没睡好了，我真的不是铁人。我那么努力的做每件医生委任给我的任务，我很努力的不说“No”，尽全力满足医生的要求。到最后，只不过迟到5分钟，我又再次众目睽睽下被赶出去，所有不了解我事情的医生肯定认为我是一个懒惰虫，常迟到。我的 Image 又再破坏了。为何我那么的努力做事情，到最后竟然获得如此下场？

有人跟我说，努力做事情，要做一些别人看到的事情，我就时常做一些别人看不到的事情。是不是我太不会取巧？太不会演戏？

有人跟我说，机会是给与已准备好的人。所以我都常常努力要把自己准备好，但是机会却不选上我呢？眼见有些没准备的人，就那么幸运得到机会，搞到一塌糊涂也没人责怪。那我呢？
我觉得，机会只给与幸运的人。(对不起，我知道我的道理是错的，但我现在不想再让自己那么理智了）

有人跟我说，当一堆任务压在头上时，一项一项的慢慢完成。对阿，就像昨天般，纵使压力很大，但我还是沉住气，冷静地一项一项完成。但到最后呢？我败给了睡眠！！！！就因为那5分钟，我的努力化成水

之后，得知有个洋人留学生比我还迟，但是却没被赶出去。。。你说呢？
之前的事情（遇上大怪物。倒霉）我从来没哭泣，
因为有人跟我说，哭是弱者的表现，所以不准哭。
但是真的是 Stretch to the limit , 脱下刺猬般的外壳，伪装的坚强终于崩溃了。

哭吧！

遇上大怪物。倒霉

2010-07-27T14:29:00.008+08:00

1。大怪物发威：
一如往常的早上七点，Resident Doctor 及 Junior Doctor 陆陆续续的走进麻醉部门的 Meeting Hall。知道今天是“大怪物”医生主持的 Morning Report，每个人都绷紧了神经。终于，大怪物出现了，一进门就爆轰医生们。他说，“昨天我发现这个 Hall 有不少垃圾以及手术的 Mask。为何会这样？不是你们这班人，还会有谁呢？我现在命令你们，立刻把你们身边大大小小的包包，所有东西搬离这个Hall,不要污染我的 Hall, 我的生命会受到威胁!!!"

（这样生命也能受到威胁？大怪物的免疫系统及生命还蛮脆弱的吧？^%$&*@# ）

2。无辜的我遇上了大怪物：
我们所有大小医生只好把身边的书包全部丢进图书馆。然后，Morning Report 就这样继续。不到十五分钟，大怪物忽然间手指指向我，说，“You... Out !!!" 我心里顿时下了一大跳，我没讲话，也没打瞌睡啊，而且这还是我第一次那么的全神贯注去听 Morning report. 我错愕了一下，他又再说，“Is You..! You don't understand English ? I said.. OUT !!!!" 就这样，很丢脸的，在众目睽睽之下（那边总共有六十几个医生）被赶了出去。我只能傻傻地坐在等候厅，等着被审判。Morning Report 完毕，我就硬着头皮去见他，他说，“你知道你犯错了什么吗？”，我摇头。他说，“刚才的morning report,为何你翘脚的姿势坐着？你知道这样是不对的吗？我不知道你们大马是不是有这样的习俗，但是在这里 is a different culture. 如果你要翘脚，回去你的国家才这样做。在这里是不准的。”

（ wth ? 我只不过是女生姿势的翘脚坐姿，这样也踩到了怪物的尾巴？之后，我询问了这里的 Locals, 他们都说这里并没有说翘脚是不礼貌的啊。。。他们也叫我"santai.." ( 安慰我，叫我relax..cool down.)

3。Literature Writing 被退回：
见完大怪物后，匆匆忙忙地赶去 print 文章，然后去 ICU 会见另一个医生, Dr. A.
Dr.A 才翻了几页，就说，“ I told you the topic is - Electrolyte Management in post cardiac Arrest care ,right ? why you wrote all the normal physiology of electrolyte? "
我急忙解释，“ No..doctor, because i'm thinking to introduce the basic of electrolyte first ,then only talk about how's the electrolyte can influence the post cardiac arrest..."
他即说，“这你给谁看？我是博士了，我不需懂这些basic, 而你呢，你也是junior doctor 了，不是也懂 basic 了吗？为何在 literature writing 还要介绍 basic？如果你要 basic, 那么你回去读 semester 2 吧！！”
乓！乓！乓！我又中抢了。而且，ICU 是很安静的，他的volume 又那么高，我又再次“成功”的吸引全场的目光，所有 Specialist, Resident Doctor, Junior Doctor及nurse,还有病人家属全部看过来。。。我真的是很想挖个老鼠坑让我钻进去。

（只有谁没看过来呢？病人咯。。因为他们都昏迷着。。&^@&^$*）

然后，他又说，“你回去改过给我。。我没那么有空去看你那长的文章”
我低着头，背部弯着的," Yes, doctor. Sorry for troubling you, Doctor."

( 天啊，我真的是要崩溃了！要成为医生的道路真的那么难？越来越觉得自己怎么那么的渺小，那么的不被重视，那么的不被珍惜，那么的微不足道。。。觉得自己像只老鼠。。过街老鼠，人人喊打）

4。怪物又发作了：
我垂头丧气地走出 ICU, 就立刻受到朋友的简讯，“wei...aeris..where are you ? why are you not in operating theater ? Dr. XXX (那只大怪物）was checking our attendance here and he found that you are missing ..he is looking for you...faster come ... faster come.." 就这样我又气喘呼呼地赶到手术室。然后向他解释我的“失踪”。。。当然的，又是被喷到一脸臭屁。

5．我红了！
然后，我就被派入 Follow 其中一个 Operation.我是戴着 Mask and Cap的。怎么知道，这样也被其它麻醉医生认了出来。。他们就开我的玩笑说，“ Out...!!! hahaha......" 然后，外科医生看不懂他们的玩笑，这麻醉医生就帮我“发扬光大”说，“他就是刚才被赶出去的咯。。haha.... ”虽是开玩笑，但我的心情又是怎样呢？

天啊。。！！！我终于红了也！！But In the Bad Way.. =(

6. 就这样，搞了整天。。。发现刚才赶着去Print 的时候，把 Pendrive 遗留在那儿。。幸好情形还没糟透，放工后去领回幸好还在那儿。
但是，回到家后，却发现。。。。。。。。。。书包也不知怎样。。破了！！！

写到这儿，发泄够了，时间也浪费够了。。。是时候纠正我的文章，还有读书。。。 oh my gosh, 考试又接近了。。但天天都很忙，怎么有时间读书啊？
待会儿晚上九点又要去站岗了。。。希望站岗时，那只大怪物不要出现。。
晚上了也，怪物应该去休息了吧？只有我们这些小卒需要站在前线“防卫”，对吧？

希望待会儿顺顺利利。。不要再惹麻烦了，我已是一身蚁了！！！
>.<"""""

I have had enough

麻醉学第二周的日记

2010-07-15T22:07:00.012+08:00

12.07.2010
起死回生的感动

在麻醉学部门里时常都会遇到各种病情极为严重的病人，无论是在手术室或是加护病房（ICU）。在手术室站岗的我，到了临晨一点钟还以为没有病人将要准备入睡，忽然间被叫醒。。有个男患者，30岁，交通意外，头壳都裂开了，左边及右边的脑部都积血需立刻动手术 - Trepanation ( 环锯术 ) . 身为麻醉师的医生们全部都神经绷紧起来，丝毫不敢放松，身为菜鸟的我们也跟着不敢怠慢，赶忙帮头帮尾以及每五分钟就得纪录病人的心跳及血压。还记得我记录病人的血压最低竟是 40/20 （正常：120/80),真的太可怕了。。。好不容易麻醉剂立可纠正病人的心跳及血压，手术只进行了一半（只不过完成了左边的 trepanation ) , 当外科医生正为病人的右边头壳开始“钻洞”，病人的血压又再狂跌。。失血的程度高达 1.5Liter.　原本正打瞌睡的我们无不打起精神。到最后病人的情况越来越不乐观，麻醉师们便展开了抢救工作。。眼见医生们打了数不尽的“心跳加强药”及提高血压的药物。。朋友告诉我说，如果没错的话，打了上百支的药物！！！有些医生就做CPR。。抢救了半句钟后，终于这病人的心跳及血压恢复了（虽然还是很低。。）第一次看到那么惊险的场面，真的让我觉得麻醉师－－－简直酷毙了！

14.07.2010
第一次的外部心脏压缩（External Cardiac/Heart Compression ), CPR

白天，被派到加护治疗病房里工作及观察病人。加护病房里的病人有的是产后失血过多加上子宫切除手术，有的是中风病人，有的是交通意外的病人，还有各种肿瘤切除后的病人等等。突然间，有个病人陷入危机状态，医生赶忙展开抢救工作。。。经过critical 的十五分钟抢救工作后，医生就说，“谁要学习 CPR 的同学，现在可以赶快穿上手套抢救了。。” 当然，我们每个赶紧穿上手套，然后轮流给于病人外部心脏压缩。。。这也是我第一次真正在一个将离世的病人施展急救的工作。原来那种感觉真的是好像在戏里面般，我的心里直叫呼，“心跳恢复吧。。。求求你，心跳快点跟我恢复。。。！！”当我正为病人外部胸部压缩时，monitoring 着的电脑心跳有所起伏，但是当我们一停下来，就恢复了平线。。。最后，宣布死亡。

P/s : 第一和第二个case 都是因交通意外导致头壳爆裂，脑部积血。。。还记得小时候，政府常常在电视上打广告：没戴上头盔的西瓜被撞成西瓜浆。。。戴上头盔的西瓜就没事，不知你们还记得吗？这两个case，麻醉师医生真的尽了最大的能力了，最后病人还是离世．．．而且，他们都只介于２５－３０岁，英年早逝。。。生命真的没 Take Two 的．记得驾驶小心，还有一定要带头盔！！我很感谢上天的保佑，在中学时期的我，也曾经很爱飚摩多，觉得很威风，很刺激。真的很感谢主我现在还是好好的。也要向一直很担心我的父母亲道歉，让您们操心了。忽然间，觉得当医生是很好的，在很多别人的故事中领悟了很多，成长了很多，也把很多事情看开了。。

15.07.2010
婴儿出世的兴奋

就在今天刚从站岗回家，就马不停蹄地很想写部落格（虽然还有更多更重要的 Journal Writing及书本等着我）还是改不了的坏性格．．明明就很忙还是忍不住要花一些时间做一些 secondary important 的事情．=.=""""
这两个星期在手术里，看过了大大小小的手术，偏偏就是没看过剖腹產．．今天终于让我打开眼界了！（觉得自己好三八哦！呵呵）原来看着婴儿出世是那么另人振奋的！！！真的超开心的！当医生很快的一手把婴儿从肚子里＂抓＂了出来．．．然后听到“哇哇哇”的叫声．．好开心哦！刚好做完这case又是回家的时间，简直开心极了！！！难怪Senior们都告诉我进妇产科部门是最好玩的部门．我的下一个部门就是妇产科了．．呵呵．．．期待中．．．　＝）

值得一提的是，这孕妇是３８岁高龄产妇，第三胎，距离第二个孩子的生产竟是１８年之多！！！令人难过的是。。。她的丈夫在她怀着这胎儿的第四个月就去世了。。。　

人生，真的是变化无常。。。。　

麻醉学之至理名言

2010-07-09T20:21:00.015+08:00

在新的部门-麻醉学部门，实习了一个星期。结论是：很Blur！
这部门其实真的是一个又新鲜（因为这部门的知识是在theory year时没接触过的）又充满挑战性（因为这部门的有关知识真的难）又会让人觉得很Amazing 的部门。。。因为人类头脑的厉害，我们可以把病人“毒”至不清醒的状态以便手术可以顺利进行，然后手术之后又可以帮病人“清”毒以让病人清醒过来。

第一天到了 Anesthesiology Department Meeting Room, 就被这张“超级”人类的图片给吸引住了。这张图片解释着要成为一个麻醉师，就要有超凡人能力，因为真的不简单。

在手术里，动手术的外科医生固然厉害，但是对我而言，手术室里真正的 HERO 是麻醉师。因为麻醉师须确保病人的一切安全，就比如说麻醉师需控制氧气的供应，病人的血压，心跳，呼吸都是麻醉师一手包办，如果手术中失血过多或忽然心跳跌得很快，麻醉师就得立刻纠正，不然病人的生命就危在旦夕了。

One of the criteria of　“ The Ideal Anesthesiologist　” - Store of Jokes and Witty Comments.
所以才来到这部门一个星期就听到了许多麻醉师的“至理名言”　：

医生一号：
要相信自己－医生通常医治病人是让病人神志清醒，但是身为麻醉师的我是要给病人“毒药”以让病人昏迷。（听起来好恐怖哦？）要知道麻醉药是Narcotics（毒品）的一部分，所以要分外的小心。在这世界上我只相信我自己，即使护士或其它医生告诉我以测量药物的安全性，我还是会亲自检查多一次。

医生二号：
有一天，有位朋友在做 Presentation, 医生发现她的 Presentation 出现了一个错字就立可轰咆她，吓得在台上的她直飚冷汗。然后那位医生忽然间１８０度的转变，立刻好声好气地说：我们是人类，人类只不过是凡人一定会犯错，但是我们能做的就是把错误的几率降至最低平线。（麻醉师的脾气，真的好难捉摸哦！上一秒把你骂得狗血淋头，下一秒却好好地跟你说道理）

医生三号：
这世界上没有危险的毒品，也没有危险的手术，只不过呢，这世界上医生有分为两种：一种就是危险的医生，另一种就是安全的医生。毒品本深不危险啊？手术，也不危险啊？危险的是医生，因为医生是负责控制这些毒药或手术的人。很可悲的是，我目前看到的是，危险的医生多过安全的医生。所以，想清楚，你要成为危险的医生？还是安全的医生？

医生四号：
Put Yourself In Other People Shoes,想象如果你的亲戚在手术病房里，你希望一个有经验的专科医生帮你的亲戚施药动手术，或是一个医学生呢？在坐的我们，每个都选择有经验的专科医生。所以这医生警惕我们在手术里实习时不准擅自对病人胡来。

医生五号：
如果你们有兴趣以后专攻麻醉学，奉劝你们要找一个了解你们的另一半，最好找回医生成为你的伴侣，因为医生比较了解医生的生活。别像我当年那样，我的另一半时常认为我在外有别的女人，因为我天天需迟回家，然后有时候三更半夜有跑出去。。其实全部都是奉献给医院啊。。我们烦恼及压力够多了，别让感情事增添我们的压力与烦恼，这样会活得很痛苦。

这些“至理名言”你又有什么感想呢？

在麻醉学部门有趣的部分就是我们有机会学习 Emergency Medicine ,以上的模型就是让我们学习 CPR 的模型。有趣吧？医生再三叮咛我们要好好照顾这模型，因为真的很贵。

忙了整个星期，刚过去的星期五才有时间“进货”。。。我的“货”全都是------ 咖啡因
Nescafe - addiction, Teh-O, Teh Tarik, Cocoa etc
我已是想尽办法让自己清醒
>.<"""

如果这地球就像个时钟，可否把电池暂时拿出，让地球时间停止转动？
我真的很想“Ｐａｕｓｅ”一下，但是　不能。

明天是星期天却得去医院站岗，在这部门的站岗地点是手术室里
手术室里的冷气真的好冷，又不准穿Jacket,
身穿单薄的手术袍在手术室里过夜
想到这里，心情就一直往下掉。。。
才不过是个开始，却已真的很累，也很phobia了。。。
时常在我的部落格出现的一句话－－－－我很想家。

I'm Done with Dermatology !

2010-07-04T07:58:00.005+08:00

After a freaking hectic 1 month "compact" version of Dermatology ( skin disorders ), I'm here to announce that I'm DONE with Dermatology and Venereal disease.

First and foremost, infinity thanks to the Father In Heaven, who blessed me all the way throughout the whole process, including the time where i need to travel for 1 hour journey back and fro to the satellite hospital everyday for the one whole week, having extra-lecture until 10pm everyday... Thank you !

Well, i passed the exam ( without flying colors thou.. ) but I'm happy and satisfied with the results because i know i didn't study for exam.. some of them might think I'm stupid just because i didn't score well, so what ? I'm glad that i was doing good in the verbal examination which i can express my own point of view, stand on my point, deliberate the cases for the correct diagnosis, and i have good marks on that... I'm satisfied ! I think this would be more important for my future ,nope ? I do not wish back to the old times where i always just memorize and memorize and score in the routine dull paper exam. I really enjoy the verbal exam because it's more lively and i gain satisfaction from that ! Yoohoo !!!^^^

So here I show you guyz snippet of the whole dermatology which i had learned for the past 1 month.

One of the above picture - which i took with my patient's family. I visited their housing area and find out the cause which related to the disease, imparting them some advice how to prevent the disease recurrence.The diagnosis was Scabies , in which that a hygienic environment play a vital role on the disease.

p/s : as usual, my face always looked pale... haha... and thanks to Shiela, who accompanied me finding the way to the patient's house.

YaY !!!! I finished my 3rd lab - dermatology...!!!
Tomorrow , i am entering Anesthesiology Department !!! (麻醉学) Guess it would be tough yet interesting department ! Anesthesiologist is always my idol !!!!

P/s : thanks to Gordon, who bought me the mask, which shield my "sensitive" face from the sun everyday riding to hospital. You always request me to post up the photo of wearing mask, Voila !
but i don't think i looked cute on that.. >.<""""

After the exam which held on Tuesday, this whole week i was occupied with a lot of things which I loved to... for example SLEEP !!! ( the very most important )
Others ? hmm... watching movie, keep in touch with friends, reading friend's blog, surfing net..
Sports ? Certainly my favorite ! The above photo which i captured when i was playing tennis...
the blue blue sky...!!! hehe... of course, body combat, swimming, dancing would never drop out from my list...

Ok, back to the sentiment part...
I really don't like myself being fickle-minded very often and balked at many decisions or idea.
I'm not genius and I always confuse i should study for knowledge or study for exam ? because i couldn't hump over both stuff at once. At last, i choose to be myself, I study what ever i want to.. After noticing some of my friends or doctors, I think if you want to be successful in any field, a lil bit of ego is needed.. i mean a decent one, NOT to much until splurge over presumptuously ( which i noticed in some of thm =P ).
what do you think den ?

Well, i am still finding the zeal which keep me moving on in this field... and i need u guyz encouragement...Thanks you all always keep me in trail wherever i almost fall out of the track !

Have a blissful Sunday !!!!

白袍下的辛酸

2010-06-25T18:52:00.005+08:00

以前总是很羡慕那些天天可以穿着白袍的医生们，希望有朝一日可以好像他们般地，感觉很风光。。。

进入实习后，才发现其实白袍下隐藏着很多不为人知的辛苦。。。
就比如说像我们这些新菜鸟，天天穿这白袍又如何？
有时候，在医院的地位连一个倒垃圾工人都不如，
我很清楚凡是要成功都要由底做起，
但是有时候可否给我们一丝丝的尊重？

在医院里，
新菜鸟就像是个廉价工人，
从最简单的入院手续及注册工作
从最肮脏的倒粪倒尿工作到推病人照 X-光，
有时候还得帮忙推那些不幸逝世的病人到验尸房。

庆幸的，
有时会获得病人的尊敬及爱戴，
尤其是当他们看到这些新菜鸟那么辛苦的帮忙救人
有一天站岗时遇到了一个生命危险的病人，
需要展开急救工作，
我做了足足六个小时的 "Jaw thrust" (颚推力)
站了整个晚上，手指也接近瘫痪阶段，痛到不行，睏得我眼睛都张不开。。。
当手指痛到无法忍受时，就会想偷懒不用全力去施展颚推动作，
一旦“随便”做这颚推动作，monitor 显示的氧气水平就会下降，
所以无论如何，
这是人命，多累多痛也好还是需咬紧牙根撑下去，
劳累了整个晚上，到了白天病人还是支撑不住离开了。。。
虽然如此，病人的家人还是会很感激这班菜鸟医生。。。
“谢谢你，医生。。。谢谢你整晚没休息一直帮我的老婆撑到最后一秒。。。已经足够了。。”
这就是目前我所见到菜鸟在医院扮演的角色。。。
其实菜鸟也很重要啊。。。别总是呼呼赫赫或是丑脸对待
没有我们这般任劳任怨的“廉价工人”
那些工作谁会要做呢？

过去的一个星期，
感觉自己在过着非人的生活，
天天从早上 7时到晚上11时工作及上课，
回到家都瘫痪了，加上有时还得站岗晚班呢？哪来时间读书啊？
天天到了医院都要心惊胆跳，
天天等待着专科医生会派给我怎样的病人来做我的考试，
因为病疾太广，坦白说我真的来不及读完所有课程，
我能做的只是尽力做到最好，
希望医生派给我的是我所熟悉的病疾。
我从星期一等到星期四才等到我的turn,
真的精神上好折磨。。。感觉自己频临疯掉，尤其是当看到身边的朋友都考完了的时候
今天也完成了我在“皮肤部门”的第二部分考试
下星期还有总考，帮帮我祈祷吧。。。。
进了皮肤科部门才知道原来不简单，
真的是不可以看小皮肤专科医生。。。
也许我对皮肤病没什么兴趣吧，读起来很吃力
我都告诉朋友们，我还是 enjoy 脑科部门多一些。。。呵呵。。。

现在一个人坐在医院的 International wing 咖啡厅上网，
刚刚看见一个让我很动人的情景很想与你们分享，
一个中年男子抱着婴儿及一位年迈老太太走近来，
不久我就看到一个穿这站岗制服的女医生跑了进来，
坐在他们隔壁的我都能强烈的感觉到她是多么想念自己的婴儿，
短短的半小时，她就是一直紧抱着自己的婴儿猛亲，
嘴巴喃喃说道，“你知道妈妈很想你吗。。宝贝。。。"
然后那老太太端上那热捧捧的家菜给那位女医生，
说道，“你怎么老是在医院？真的有那么忙吗？你很久没来看我了。。。”
然后，一家四口坐在医院里的咖啡厅吃晚餐。之后那位女医生依依不舍的亲吻自己的婴儿后，又得回去站岗了。
看到这样的情景，
我心情百感交集。

坦白说，我真的不希望以后我的父母亲或老公孩子得来到医院见我才能一家“齐聚一堂”。

让你们看看我最 Latest 的“累”样。。。哈哈哈。。。

我们没有在一起

2010-06-19T21:10:00.005+08:00

你一直说的那个公园已经拆了
还记得荡著秋千日子就飞起来
漫漫的下午阳光都在脸上撒野
你那傻气我真是想念

那时候小小的你还没学会叹气
谁又会想到他们现在喊我女王
你哈哈笑的样子倒是一点没变
时间走了谁还在等呢

这杯咖啡忘了加糖
真不是我那麼伤感
世界太复杂你说单纯很难
我当然都明白

可是呀只有你曾陪我在最初的地方
只有你才能了解我要的梦从来不大
我们没有在一起至少还像情侣一样
我痛的疯的伤的在你面前哭得最惨

我知道你也不能带我回到那个地方
你说你现在很好而且喜欢回忆很长
我们没有在一起至少还像家人一样
总是远远关心远远分享

那条路走呀走呀走呀总要回家
两只手握著晃呀晃呀舍不得放
你不知道吧后来后来我都在想
跟你走吧管它去哪呀

我们没有在一起至少还像朋友一样
你远远的关心其实更长

刚过去的一个星期，一个人天天驾驶到 40Km 距离的 Satellite Hospital。回到家都累闭了还得逼自己读书。。。下星期回到总医院就得应付一连串的考试。。。好压力，觉得自己符合不来，一直都很努力的硬撑下去，也许我不够聪明，所以才需撑得那么辛苦。。。好想好好写一篇文章都没时间，还有我的网球，才学到一半又因太忙无法继续，一直都很想挖时间出来做自己爱做的事情，但。。都没有。

黑眼圈一天一天的慢慢累积，咖啡因也一天一天在我身上失去了工效。。。
一个人天天在公路上奔驰，脑袋浮起了很多很多的回忆，不胜唏嘘。。。
渐渐地，迷失了方向
开始怀疑自己，这是我要的生活吗？

四年前
纵使身边的家人亲戚都不鼓励的情况之下，
毅然选择离开家人，离开自己喜欢的人，
一意孤行的拼了命要考上医学系
四年后
明明在追求着梦想，
明明梦想的距离已是接近，
为何却不开心？

工作，读书，空虚
压力，疲惫，寂寞
不放过我

明天是父亲节，忙得我都差点忘了
爸爸，父亲节快乐。。。
算了算，已是第四年没能和你庆祝
还记得，去年给你写了一篇文章
《祝您父亲节快乐》
到现在，还是很喜欢自己写的这篇文章

很想家，也很想念。。。
曾经把我当成宝宝宠爱的你。。。
还要等多久
才能再与你们见面？？？
答案是。。。
还有很久很久。。。

脑科部门之小镇故事

2010-06-07T14:22:00.011+08:00

在脑科部门时，被派到 NEGARA ，这小镇服务长达两个星期。
FYI, Negara 距离我住的城市三小时，NEGARA GENERAL HOSPITAL 是我们其中一间 Satellite Hospital.

路上的风景是很迷人的。。。赶路中还是忍不住停了一会儿欣赏这宜人的风景。

一路上感觉还不错，但是。。。当我走进 NEGARA HOSPITAL 的宿舍时，就好比噩梦开始一样。。。只有一个字可以形容宿舍的情形－“糟”！！！加上我这个有洁癖又爱挑剔的人，简直就是“不可能任务”。。。。>.<""" 挑战不可能任务　：

１。天天需用这肮脏的水洗澡
２。洗手盆被那些不用的syringe诸塞着，大家都是Junior Doctor, 应该要保持清洁啊。。。都不知哪个家伙竟然把syringe 和食物渣滓丢在洗手盆，真的让我很生气～！
３。宿舍里没有风扇，谢谢那些好心的Senior 捐出这些小型风扇。看看那风扇的大小，再跟那椅子比较。。。你就知道这风扇是有多小型，而且是我们８个人一起共用这两把迷你风扇。所以，很多时候，身体都是汗流浃背，粘粘的。
４。我们八个一起共用那唯一的桌子，读书，做报告，吃饭都在这儿。
５。睡房，天天需在蜘蛛网的“笼罩”之下睡觉。。。有时房间也有一种潮湿的味道。。要怎么入睡呢？　我天天都特地把自己搞到很累，或是拼命读书，让自己读到累了，就不会过度的醒觉四周肮脏情形

以下图片是与那边的护士与医生合影　：
（左上）：在 Polyclinic of Neurology 外与护士合影。一开始她们还以为我是日本人。哈哈。。。
（右上及左下）：在polyclinic 前的小池塘
（右下）：与那边唯一一个脑科专科医生合影

充满岜厘岛风味的 NEGARA GENERAL HOSPITAL
在这里，他们都称“hospital" 为“Rumah Sakit"...

终于熬过了这两个星期，独自一人骑着摩多，三个小时的路程回到我的 Comfort Zone - 我在岜厘岛的房间。
在那儿的两个星期，我真的很想念，很想念我的房间。。。那干净又舒适的房间。
也是第一次，我体验到有一个舒适的房间，我，真的知足了。。。也不会埋怨说没假期，没得回真正的家。在那儿，我的感觉是只要能回到岜厘岛的房间已经是很开心的一件事，根本不敢奢求有假期能回大马。

心里真的开始崇拜那些无国际医生，站在最前线帮助那些穷人，宁可抛弃舒适生活而选择天天在潦倒的环境下生存。

骑着摩多车，心里默默祷告保佑我平安回到宿舍。只不过，回到宿舍，我的四肢都麻痹到不行，真的越来越佩服自己，简直像个女战士（哈哈。。。忍不住自夸起来），因为目前只有男生而没有女生像我这样发神经骑摩多到 Negara. 三个小时，真的不是开玩笑！原本我其实也蛮担心自己是否做得到，真的很感谢上帝聆听我的祈祷，保佑我沿途中平平安安的。

沿海公路是蛮崎岖的。。。感觉真的很棒！起着摩多看着海，偶然之下，让我发现有一条直路是直开到海边。。。好奇心的驱使下，忍不住驶进这条直路，简直太棒了。。。因为。。。。

直路的末端就是一望无际的海边。。。。天空与海洋的地平线。。。。。。
而且是没人的。。。。整片蓝蓝的海洋一览无遗的呈现在我的眼前。。。。。。
好棒好棒！！！！！！！！！！

一公升の眼泪：等死的感觉？

2010-05-27T07:24:00.001+08:00

在五月九日的星期天，晚上七时正如往常般到医院站岗。
到了医院的脑科急症室部门了解状况以便可以接受朋友的工作及需看护的病人。。。
Buva, " Aeris，please take over this patient and keep close observation every 30 minutes.."
Aeris, " What's the diagnosis of this patient ? "
Buva, " ALS ( Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis ) "
Aeris, ( wow...竟然让我遇上了那么罕见的病）" So... what should we do to help this patient ?"
Buva, " It seem he had suffered these for 5 years... So Now we just waiting him for IMPENDING RESPIRATORY FAILURE.. "
Aeris, ( Har?? 等待他无法呼吸然后宣布死亡？），"Oh gosh... just waiting him to die?"
Buva, " Yes... observe him every 30minutes until he respiratory failure... "

之后我就走上前检查病人，只看见他很虚弱的躺在病床上，身上的肌肉都出现萎缩的状况。在看看他的家人，全部都眼睛红红的强忍着泪水，尽量在病人前露出微笑，深怕让他知道自己已是黄泉已近。。。只见那病人一直很努力的伸出双手想握一握家人的手。除此之外，看见病床上还有一些纸张，原来是因为病人无力说话所以就用纸张代替。

顿时让我想起日本一部很感动的真人真事 - 《一公升の眼泪》
这套剧集就像搬到我眼前真实上演。。。
看着那病人，我心里百感交集。（我应该庆幸自己可以亲眼目睹这罕见的病或是替这病人感到伤悲？）

Medic Corner :

肌萎缩侧索硬化症（ amyotrophic lateral sclerosis，ALS）是一种运动神经元病.
ALS可累及上运动神经元（大脑、脑干、脊髓），或下运动神经元（颅神经核、脊髓前角细胞）。

多于30～50岁发病，以上肢周围性瘫痪，下肢中枢性瘫痪，上下运动神经元混合性、对称性损害为特点。表现为受累部位肌肉萎缩。通常以手肌无力、萎缩（爪形手）为首发症状，逐步蔓延到对侧。缓慢起病 ,呈进行性发展，多无感觉障碍。

身体如同被逐渐冻住一样，俗称“渐冻人”。病程晚期出现球麻痹，表现为舌肌萎缩和震颤，后组颅神经受损出现构音不清、吞咽困难，饮水呛咳等。常因呼吸困难、肺部感染、全身衰竭而死亡。本病自然病程平均约3年左右，进展快者发病1年内死亡，病程进展慢者可持续10年左右。
由于缺乏有效的治疗，本病在西方国家引起较多争议的是是否对晚期患者实施“安乐死”。

由于这样的病人病情严重，理应在深沪治疗病房接受密切的关注。。
Aeris, " Why this patient still here ( Emergency Room ) ? he should admitted to ICU ,right ?"
Buva, " The patient's family refuse... what to do ?"
Aeris (我立刻很懊恼的再次询问），" Why ? Did the doctor gave consent about the severity of the disease to the patient's family ?"
Buva, " Yes.. the doctor did. But the patient's family explained that ICU is too expensive for them and they can't afford.. so.. thy just decided to wait here until he pass away "
听完朋友的解释后，我的脑中只浮现两个字 - “无奈”
到了凌晨两点，他已开始陷入昏迷状态（coma )。。。
当天早上十一十左右，经过一些“徒劳无功”的抢救后，宣告死亡。

-------------------------------------------

后记：

在岜厘岛开始实习后，其实已经看过了很多 Cases 都是因为没钱而没得到最好/最快的治疗而导致死亡。
尤其是在这脑科部门，如果病人是中风的话，每分每秒都是生存与否的关键时刻，这里有太多的零碎手续得处理。就比如说，不管病人的病情有多严重或是命在旦夕，病人家属一定要先去 register, 然后我们这些医务人员才会“开工”，然后需要的药物，病人的家属得需自己去医院的 Pharmacy 部门买药，然后我们才能开始给病人打针施药。

还记得有一次，我遇到一个中风的病人，已是不省人事，加上体温竟是 40.1 Celcius, 然后医生开药单给家人去买药而医生吩咐我施药。等了15分钟，还不见家人把药交给我，我便走上去问，看见他们还有说有笑的，只回答我，“oh... di pharmacy sana masih ditunnggu giliran..” 我真的是给这里的 system 给气炸了！！！病人家属又缺少知识，不知他们的家人已是很严重，还在那边谈笑自如。。。我真的是“无言”，只有我一个人在那儿着急，怎么药怎么久还没买到？
我能等，但是那病人无法等啊........................!!!!! *&R%^$#@#$*)^

分手

2010-05-26T15:59:00.002+08:00

这篇文章献给你，我爱的朋友。。。Cheersssssss^^^

也谢谢你，ck , 与我分享这篇文章。。。
就那么刚巧身边的朋友遇到了这样的问题。。。

如果兩個人分手之後做了朋友,那說明我從來沒愛過你
如果兩個人分手以後依舊可以做分手之前做的事,那說明我想讓你記住我
如果兩個人分手之後我不再見你並大聲說我恨你,那說明我不捨得離開你
如果兩個人分手之後在彼此的世界消失了,那說明我真的愛你

分手時,沉默是最好的問題,最圓滿的答案.
戀愛是甜蜜的,分手是難免的.誰不是哭過幾次,痛過幾次,才找到最後的愛.分手是必經的,但有些問題不必問.
　　
1. 不要問:為什麼要分手.
　　無論答案是什麼,都是你難以接受的原因.
　　2.不要問:你有沒有愛過我.
　　愛過如何,未愛過又如何,總之這一刻就是不愛.
　　3.不要問:我做錯了些什麼.
　　愛不是講對錯,而是講感覺.相愛是談情,不是講理.當愛的感覺已經不存在,
對或錯又可以挽回些什麼?
　　4.不要問:我有什麼不好.她有什麼好.我有什麼比不上她.
　　何必逼對方,再一次侮辱你,打擊你的自信心.
　　5.不要問:難道你不記得我們以前快樂的日子了麼.
　　她/他要離開你,就是因為她/他要現在的快樂,和將來的快樂.
　　6.不要問:不如我們重新來過.
　　這個哀求,只會讓對**得你更可憐,更卑微.
　　7.不要問:我們以後還可不可以做朋友.
　　這樣拖泥帶水,對方只會感到厭煩.
　　
有一句話…
愛是最美好的記憶.愛過了,曾經擁有過了,就要學會知足, 何必為難對方,讓曾經的美好變了味道.讓她/他曾經給過的溫柔成為孤獨時溫暖自己的美妙的回憶.回憶是美麗的…
珍藏走過的軌跡…握緊現有幸福…

P/s : 你要坚强哦。。。对不起，我不能常常陪伴你开解你，希望你现在过得好。。。也真的很感激你，在我最孤单的时候给我电话。。。我真的很感动。*想你*

Status Update

2010-05-16T13:00:00.001+08:00

我被派到岜厘岛一个郊外的地方服务两个星期，听说环境很糟以及肮脏，我会挺下去的。谢谢朋友们的支持及鼓励。。。

两个星期后再见咯！！！

Thankyou, Mama

2010-05-09T11:47:00.013+08:00

Albeit of the hectic and stressful life I'm facing at the moment, but MOTHER's DAY is a DAY which would never ever dismissed from my mind.

It's been the 4th year i unable to celebrate Mother's Day with my lovely mum. Is kinda sad actually... I just ringed up my mum, and when i heard my mum's voice , the tears just automatically falling down out of the edge of my eyes. I felt warm and touched when i heard my family's voice and i just realised how much i miss them...

The whole week i was occupied with tones of stuff in hospital and alots of things happened... almost back-stabbed by some cunning one, and Thanks God, that's always some "Angel" beside me, salvaging me from the brink of impuissance. Therefore, my condition is still not that bad and I really grateful and thankful to those friends who lend me their helping hand and fight against the unjust or impugnable circumstances.

On the previous week i had total of three Oncall ( which means 30 hours of working), and frankly speaking, i still not really adapt to this kind of life.. Each time back from hospital, i could feel a thrust of relief, relief from exhaustion, relief from some political issues, relief from stress, relief from all the smell and bacteria that smothering the hospital. After the relief, usually would be followed by the great sense of LONELINESS inevitably croped into my heart and i was strive hard to suppress this feeling to a negligible level and avoid to think of family.

Yep, Family is the source of my strength, but then when i think of how i was pampered at home and it's contrasting considerably to the situation i am facing, I'll weep. and Nowadays, I HATE weeping. So, it drive me not to think about my family too often. Come to the end of week, I ringed home, the bottled up feeling just burst out and I was collapsed... Don't worry, I'm OK now ( after venting out everything.. )

Another thing i wanna mention here, is my NEW MOTOR !!!! ( is secondhand thou ). After a month of clinical life here, I just found that bicycle not really work out and thus decided to get a secondhand motor for the clinical life. Again, HEARTFELT-GRATITUDE to my parents paid out the money for me to get a motor here. Truely speaking, Is indeed GREAT to have a motor here, at least every time on the way back from hospital , i don't need to cycle and leg sore by the time i reach home. Moreover, I still can take bike during raining days ( but if bicycle , i definitely can't do so) or hunting for some good foods a lil bit further from my dorm's area other than the boring-daily-nasi goreng. Also, when i was free, i can just ride it to the seaside, enjoying the sunset/ sunrise, go swimming, surfing, playing tennis or jogging whenever i loved to. My life getting LESS miserable after having a motor here.

WHO GRANTED ME ALL THESE THINGS ? ---->> FATHER IN HEAVEN

Thankyou Jesus giving such a GREAT and WONDERFUL PAPA AND MAMA.

THANKS to my PAPA AND MAMA

....................................................................................

Mama,

I remember you every time I fall. I remember you everytime I cry. I remember you everytime I am in pain. I remember you everytime I am hungry,

I miss the coffee / tea that you brewed for me during my exam, and i miss the way you pamper me everytime im in stress or busy with exam...You settle everything for me and what i have to do is just focus on studying. BUT now, i have to settle everything on my own no matter how tired and busy i am

I remember you every moment of my life.
Without you i am nothing.I am proud to be the daughter of a great mother like you.Thank you mom to make me good human and everything you have done for me …

and I wanna said, SORRY , mum.

I'm sorry that sometime i disappoint you, being impolite at you, vent out the frustration on you or the tempestuous behavior..although your words it seem like scolding or angry of me, but i know deep inside your heart, you are always forgiving me and your heart are aching over my childishness and inconsiderate behavior. Again, SORRY.

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.”

Hundreds of dewdrops to greet the dawn,

Hundreds of bees in the purple clover,

Hundreds of butterflies on the lawn,

But only one mother the wide world over

Thanks to my parents always sacrifice themselves giving me the best and live in clover. And now, I had grown up and leave the cozy shelter to face the violent storm and thunder outside.
Sometime i will blame, Sometime i will complain, Sometime i will frus and depress,
But I will always remember is YOU, my mum and dad, who will always be there for me, empowering me and always support me, give me the real strength within even after countless of heart broken, countless of disappoinment... They will always love me with their life.

I LOVE YOU , MUM and DAD
and I'll Make YOU PROUD in the very near future

Facing A Dying Patient

2010-05-01T23:51:00.003+08:00

My 1st week in neurology department is Blur-ing, Hectic-ing and Exhausting especially when i was allocated to the front-line - The emergency department of Neurology.

Not going to elaborate much as i still have tons of book awaiting me to read them. Phew~~ seriously don't have time to study, every day just busy with hospital work and during back home, i had thoroughly exhausted, I could still directly fall into sleep right after a cup of coffee, or I should try 2/3 cups instead ?

Still have alot to catch up... and I still stuck in Physical Examination of Neuro ONLY. =.="""

28.04.2010
Sharing my 1st experience of facing a dying patient in the ward of neurology with you guyz...
I was ALONE with NO seniors and doctors ,observing all the patients under that ward. ( around 20 patients. ) ohya, with nurses of course... but most of the nurse went to sleep , left 1 nurse who was alert.

Around 1.00am, when i was checking the vital signs of Patient A, I was informed by the husband of Patient B that his wife feeling Short of Breath.

I went to check the Oxygen concentration level of the oxygen tank which delivered to her through nasal cannula, i had been increase to an optimal concentration but the patient still suffering from short of Breath. Immediately, i went to inform nurse and doctor, after checking on that patient, the doctor asked me to go and rest.

When i was just about entering the dream of fantasy, awaken by the nurse and she said the patient was fever and asked me to check for her vital sign ( pulse, blood pressure, respiratory rate and temperature ) , with the eyes hardly opened, I tried to feel the patient's pulse, was weak, and I was trying to get her blood pressure reading... hardly heard any sound via the stethoscope, my heart start pounding rapily, felt some imminent bad things would happen.
As soon as i thought, the patient husband shout , "Doctor, look...the chest stop moving !" 1st thing come to mind, " Oh my gosh..." after checking the pupil reflex and heart sound, i faster ran to get the doctor .

When I came with the doctor, I saw nurse came along with the ECG monitoring machine and the resuscitation Bag. Doctor asked me to fit the ECG on the patient and check for her heart rhythm. At first it still had some residual rhythm of heart beat, but soon followed by the high-pitched sound "dee----------" After observation of 5 minutes, the doctors declared the patient had passed away.

The husband looked calm, he just said "she been struggling for over 35 years, she said she was tired and wanna go to heaven very soon and asked me to take out the ring from the ring finger. It happens now...... " Soon, he kissed his beloved wife forehead, nose, and mouth... and their children cried devastating....

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When i think about that incident, I felt guilty as I didn't do any resuscitation procedure like CPR. I think I should do it although the doctor didn't instruct me to do so. I understand that even If I do the CPR , it might not help the patient though but still at least i had tried my best, right ? At least we do something optimally before the patient died. That's why I felt so guilty, this feeling still haunting in my heart although it happened few days ago...

Morning when the senior came, I told them, and most of them said, " nevermind... 1st time what... just take it as experience, 2nd time would be better... "

Yupe, 2nd time would be better...!!!!

Yestersay I was on-duty at the front-line again, most of the patients came with critical condition with the risk of impending death... so scary... It seem like that's a RULE that everyday there must be at least 1 patient died in the neurology department and sadly, i felt some of the doctors already take it as a norm as they won't have too much emotion when facing a dying patient.

After the whole night of "jaga" in the front line, It was tiring and thank God i switched to "jaga" at the ward of stroke of the hospital when the dawn announced. Duty in the ward is easier and less hectic, most of my work is just observing the patient condition, injecting some drugs, do some physical examination on them.

This is the photo which i taken this morning when i met a lady and her husband who contracted from stroke. When i was doing physical examination on her husband, the lady took out her video cam and record , feeling nervous at that moment actually.. and after that, she requested to take photo with us.

In the stroke center of this hospital, we are required to wear the not-really-sterile blue coat and sandals before entering the ward...

and tomorrow, sunday, jaga again at night shift.... how to squeeze out the time to study while i always need to go hospital all the while from monday to saturday????? and Even sunday???? God knows..... =((((

Bid Goodbye With a Smile

2010-04-26T14:24:00.001+08:00

5.49pm Sunday 2010,
I’m sitting at the seat number 7A in the aircraft MAS, with the netbook on my hand and blogging. Another 30minutes to reach Denpasar, Bali.
Very soon my one week holiday been fly away and this is the time where I have to face the brutal reality – back to Bali and continue my senior clerkship. My next lab would be Neurology Department .It’s interesting yet tough enough to strain your neck…I wish that I wouldn’t get suffocated and be able to sniff some fresh air throughout the whole lab. *Finger-crossed*

The One last word before bidding goodbye with my papa and mama,“ be courageous !”
Courageous - which i always lack off....
I have been back and fro for 3 times in only 2months time. Really ridiculous and wasting money..! ( I'm pointing myself )
I would like to apologize to my lovely parents for spending such a vast amount of money on me and the flight ticket. Thanks alot for the pampered ! I love you both so much~

Manage to grab some photos when I was flying frm Penang to KL for a stopover.
Top Left : Pulau Jerejak ( just opposite Queensbay Mall )
Top Right : Penang Bridge
Bottom : Random picture in the sky..... ^^^

............................................................................................................................

从槟城一路飞往吉隆玻，心情还算蛮愉快地。。。
当飞机在吉隆玻国际机场准备起飞时，天空下起绵绵细雨。。。
这时我的心情忽然沉了下去，以为自己这次一定会比上一次走得更潇洒，
怎么知道飞机冲上云霄的那一刻，我知道我又再离开家，离开大马了。。。眼泪不知不觉地流了下来。。。

我不会再说"天空仿佛听见我哭泣而也随着我流眼泪”类似这样丧气的言语。
我会坚强面对一个人在外头打拼的勇气。
玩也玩够了，开始觉得自己很颓废了。。。是时候好好学习如何做一个好医生。
今天第一天在脑科部门就得到 Emergency Department stand-by. 真的很好笑，我是已 Zero Knowledge 去到那部门的，可是情形还 OK...至少病人家属问我病人情形及导致原因，我都能很有自信回答他们（就凭着在 theory year 的知识印象回答他们咯。。。）
好像我的 doctor 说的，
一定要相信自己是能的，不然怎么让病人相信我们呢？？？
我会带着微笑加油的！！！

爸爸妈妈，您们放心，我会带着骄傲毕业回来，好让你们引我为傲！！！
这就是我送给你们最棒的礼物。

我很开心在这短短一星期的假期有机会和爸爸一起去看《初恋红豆冰〉。原本我并没抱太大的希望去欣赏这部戏，但是看完后，真的感动得让我流泪，很有意思！真的很值得鼓励的一部本地制作。阿牛，你真的行！李心洁，影后不愧是影后，真的很喜欢这部戏...没有像台湾戏剧般的装饰，也没有华丽的服装，但它们就是胜在够真诚！而且很多的拍摄角度都蛮艺术的，真的对导演阿牛刮目相看。

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

在这脑科部门，将会很累。。。因为每三天就得 Jaga 一次（就是说站岗 30 小时）
明天将会开始第一次的站岗！！！
也不知究竟需要灌多少咖啡才能让自己清醒。

I'm glad that i have had preoccupied by all the medical stuff and learning enthusiasm in the hospital although my clinical years is just a beginning. At the moment, I don't have extra time to think of something trifle and nonsense, and then spoil my mood.

I fervently hope that my passion and affection towards patients and medicine field are not infatuated but truely,deeply rooted from the bottom of my heart.

ENT 之心酸篇

2010-04-11T21:31:00.007+08:00

这几天都是负责照顾在耳鼻喉病房里的病人。大部分的病人都是因为患了 Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma ( 鼻咽癌）而必须留在医院接受化疗或电疗。

值得一提的是一个患了 Oropharyneal Carcinoma （口腔癌）的病人。他是我一进去这部门第一个 followup 的病人，我看见他时刚动了 “气管切开术”（tracheostomy ) ，身体很虚弱，而且精神也不好。由于口腔的瘤已阻挡了呼吸器官，也无法进食，所以必须在颈项上开一个小洞（昨天如往常般的早上 6时正去followup ，让我惊讶的是他竟然能从床上坐起来。。。他看见我好像看见了神般的，兴奋不已。。。眼见他奋力试着坐起来，然后嘴巴开开，尽管他无法说出声音，他看似很激动地要跟我说什么的。我很努力的去读他的唇语。。。原来他是要跟我说: " 我觉得我可以动手术了。。。请你快点帮我把喉咙里的肿瘤拿走。。。我很辛苦。。。我不要它在我的喉咙里。”
我赶忙叫他冷静，乖乖让我检查他。。。
他很听话，很主动地乖乖睡回去，把手拿给我。。。让我为他检查，也很合作的张开嘴巴让我检查他的肿瘤。。。7x12cm 的大肿瘤。。。
不久，他又再很激动的试着跟我说，“我不能呼吸，我要快点拿掉那肿瘤。。。几时才能拿走？"
我只跟他说，“你好好休息，我会跟医生讨论关于你的问题。。。很快就会给你答案。。。别担心。。冷静，冷静”
一转身，我心就很酸。。。这位老伯伯不知其时这种肿瘤是不能动手术拿走的。。。只能靠电疗/化疗而已。。。看他皮包骨的身体，他又能承受电疗/化疗的后遗症吗？

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上个星期四的 On-call (我们这里叫做 “Jaga" ) 30 小时，好不容易等到中午才能吃我的第一餐就收到电话得赶到 Emergency Triage Medic Department 。赶到那里看到一个瘦小的老婆婆躺在病床上，还真的以为她是 70 岁的老婆婆。。。看了她的 Medical Record, 才知道原来她只有51岁。在我研究她的病历当途，她忽然间跟我说“你是不是在读着我的病历？不用读啦。。。让我告诉你”。　

原来在三年前她已经得了鼻咽癌，也做了化疗及电疗。。。这几天不知怎的，她说她的肝脏肿得很厉害（hepatomegaly )，随即，她自己把衣服掀起，叫我摸她的肝脏部位．而且她无法进食因为喉咙那边又好像肿了起来．．．过去的一个月她只靠吃香蕉及喝水来维持．说完，她就握着我的手，叹气说道，" 哎．．．它们又再回来了．．．而且还比之前更严重，医生，我还想活下去．．．可以吗？"

我听了，心里又是一阵绞痛，眼眶也红了，命令自己不可以那么的感情丰富．．．然后，只能拍拍她肩膀，给她无声的安慰．然后，看她从袋子掏出一个还没吃完的香蕉，继续的咬，很努力的想把它哽下去。。。却一直看她哽到打呃，然后一阵很恶心的香蕉味扑鼻而来。。。我很努力的忍着那股味道，尽量不让她看到我脸上的变化，深怕会伤到她的心。

之后送进病房里，虽然她已不是我 Follow up　的病人．但是每次经过她时，从她眼神可以感觉到她很想我走过去慰问她．．．也许是因为她一来到 Emergency 时，第一个接触的人是我吧．．．当然，即使她不是我的病人，我也会主动去慰问她．

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

很快的，迈入第三个星期，也就是我在耳鼻喉部门的最后一个星期．也就是最后一个星期还能看看这两位病人．．．过后，就会被另一批学生Take Over 了．时间真不留人，这个星期也是我要面临考试的一个星期．．．刚才温习到一半忽然想起他们，也为他们做了祷告．．．

忽然很感叹，刚刚才和这部门的医生熟了一些，也比较敢跟他们开玩笑或闲聊．．．现在却又只剩最后一个星期了．．我竟然有不舍的心情，尤其是这里的几位女医生，他们都很好．我们的＂友情＂才要开始，却又结束了．．．能称得上友情吗？毕竟她们都是 Resident ( 在修读着专科的医生都称为 Resident ) ,　也只有这些Junior Resident 是我比较敢接触的．
Senior Resident ?? 他们都比较＂酷＂，是骄傲吗？还是Senior 一定要有Senior的架子？
更别说那些 Specialist / Consultant , 简直酷到不行．．．．看见他们，都要弯身点头称呼他们，如果他们叫到我时，脚都会发软呢．．．哈哈哈．．．．．．．

听到这首歌， Leona Lewis 的 Run...让我想起这些癌症病患者．．．激起了很久都没再翻开的回忆，我的姑姑，我的阿姨．．都是因为癌症而去世．．．真的很想念她们．
姑姑，阿姨，永永远远怀念您们．．．．．

姑姑，好多年．．都没能再吃到您为我做的工仔月饼．我也没能在您做完电疗后很辛苦时，再为您弹琴．．我还记得，您说过您很享受我弹的＂Everyday I love You.."
阿姨，好多年．．已没听到您和我一起说八卦了．．新年来临时，也少了您陪我去买衣服，带我吃好料．．很想念您那＂吵吵＂的声音．

介绍你们，一定要听这首歌．．．Leona Lewis 真的很厉害．．．唱出心里无声的痛楚．
就像那些癌症病患者般．．．很想抗议，很想打败这些癌细胞．．．最后还是败给了命运．．．

Lyrics | Leona Lewis Lyrics | Run Lyrics

是好心? 还是笨蛋?

2010-04-06T22:21:00.005+08:00

今天早上7 时,当我和另外两位菜鸟(菜鸟A ,& 菜鸟B ) 正在为一个昨天刚做完 Tracheostomy 手术的病人检查 Follow-up. 忽然之间，隐隐约约听到对面病床的病人很虚弱的呼唤着“Doc... Doc...."

我转头一看简直下了一跳，那位病人的鼻子与嘴巴正在“喷血”。。。菜鸟 A ( 女的）就告诉我说“Aeris, 你去帮他止血先，我去叫 Doctor " 我告诉她说：“ok , 没问题。。你赶快帮我去拿 Gloves and Mask 给我，谢谢”

然后，想也不想我就直接左手帮他按住他的鼻子，右手帮他拿桶来“装血”。在那一刹那，我才想起这位病人是 Angiofibroma 病患者，而且 Suspect TBC. 虽然他做了三次 AFB 是 Negative, 但是他的症状还是很让医生很怀疑他是 TBC 带菌者．顿时，心中燃起了恐惧感，眼见他又咳又吐血，虽然我知道这位病人是因为那个血瘤造成的后鼻腔流血 ( Posterior Epistaxis ) ,但是也很难保证他不是因为TBC 而呕血啊？

眼见自己什么都没保护，没手套，没面罩，而且他的血都有少许喷到我的白袍，我只能尽量把头转去另外一个方向以免Direct Contact. 那个菜鸟A 呢？我等了很久也不只她了哪里？菜鸟B 见状，赶快先拿纱布过来让我用纱布帮那位病人止血．
菜鸟 B 问道＂怎么她怎么久还没来啊？又说要拿手套和面罩给你？你这样。。很危险也。。。要小心”
我说：“我尽量的小心啦。。。我都尽量站离他，尽量脸不对着他，但是他的血这样喷我也没办法。”　

终于，那菜鸟A 与一位DOctor 赶到，她的确是拿了glove and mask 来到，但是已是套在她身上．她说：＂ｏｋ，可以了。。。你可以离开，让我帮doctor 做assistant "
我心里简直气炸了！！！！　
有没有搞错？？？　难怪平时这样喜欢“争”工作的她，竟然会把这“工作”让给我。。原来她已经心有预谋了。。。
我的母指还有伤口也（前几天割伤的）。。。如果这位是爱滋病患者，那么我不就是中了头奖吗？？？
真的好危险。。。。。。。！！！！！！！！！现在回想，手跟脚都还会发软～

但是，我又再回想，如果事情重发生一次，我也不可能眼睁睁看着他如喷泉般的一直喷一直喷，我也不赶快按住他的鼻子啊？

哎。。。有时候救人真的很两难。虽然之前在 Theory 上是说明，" 紧急状况发生时，首要条件就是 make sure yourself are safe. " 如果我像那个女生，先去“武装俱全”再回来。。。很难想象这病人已变成什么样子了。。。。

是好心？还是笨蛋？　
=.="""""

打赢每一天的第一仗

2010-04-04T22:01:00.006+08:00

实习的第一个星期，已经迈入“疲惫” 状态。也许自己一时无法适应5-6小时睡眠生活。。。
在耳鼻喉部门，听起来并不难。。。但是，我只有三个星期的实习机会，所以我一定要在短短的三个星期内啃完这部门的所有疾病及医疗方式。

Senior 都说这部门是"轻松”的部门，对我们这年的学生却是一种挑战！（因为Senior 的课程是长达六年，而我们是五年课程）所以，所有疾病我也需要“浓缩”起来，赶快把它啃完。
Under 这部门的 subdivision 也真的不少：

1. Otology
2. Audiology
3. Balance System
4. Oncology of ENT
5. Pharingx and Larynx
6. Rhinology
7. Broncho - Esophagology
8. Allergy - Immunology

算算我需懂的疾病是 100 种以上。。。试问怎么办才好？只能“尽量”选择性的读完咯?
就是很讨厌自己追根究底的读书态度，在这么短的时间内太过执著于“彻底了解疾病”的读书原则真的不行。。。怎么办？

刚刚的我又再钓鱼了。。。避免像前天发生的事情，所以决定写一写部落格，让自己清醒一些。

就说说前天的事情。。。
每晚大约九点钟，周公都会很热情的呼唤着我。。。前天，忍不住，就告诉自己睡睡半小时再醒来。半小时后，醒来了还是昏昏迷迷的。。。到最后还是撑到了11.30pm 才睡觉，设定了闹钟在 4.30 am 响起。
第二天 4。30 正，闹钟响起了，我按了按贪睡钮，5分钟后又响起。。。然后又按。。。5分钟后又响起。。又按。。。直到最后连闹钟也放弃了我。。。
幸好我还有 Biological Clock, 在五点半我直接从床上跳了起来。。。心里拼命责骂自己的不争气。

让我想起刘墉，在《肯定自己〉这本书里说道，
“我反对这种闹钟，因为它使我们对睡前的决定讨价还价。如果睡前认定六点起床，为什么要拖到六点二十呢？如果能拖到六点二十，那为何睡前和必定六点？人不能对自己妥协，想想！对自己几个小时前的决定尚且妥协的人，还可能对长远的理想坚持到底吗？

他的这句话就像赏了我一记耳光。。。

在书里他也说了，“如果真的累得起不来时，都要记得狠狠地说：一天开始的第一仗就输了，怎么了得？”

放纵自己诉苦一下，我真的很累，天天都很爱睡。。。每天早上5。30 , 草草吃了两片白面包，就得赶到医院 follow-up 病人，然后等到下午一时才能吃午餐。我还是一个新菜鸟，还不敢偷吃啦~ （因为我看到一两个Senior 都偷偷溜去吃东西。）

这个星期就要有第一次的考试了。。。超害怕的！经验都不够就要上考场了 =.="""
而且我还有很多疾病还未来得及复习。。。。大部分之前读过的都忘到一干二净了。。哎~

叹气完毕，继续苦读吧。。。。

Junior Doctor Declaration Day =D

2010-03-28T19:00:00.003+08:00

On the 23rd of March, everyone were obliged to attend this ceremony - "Perlantikan Doctor Muda 2010" ( Junior doctor declaration Day )

After having few speeches from different dean of faculty. All of us had to stance and recite the "doctor muda" ( junior doctor ) 's Oath which printed on a piece of paper.

Again, after the oath session, few speeches again... ( which was very tedious and the hall was stuffy... I don't know what happen to the air-con there.. ) Luckily I had fully-charged my PDA the day before and sneaked into the world of Net-browsing whilst pretended I was listening attentively. Opps... it's was an ill-mannered to behavior like this... shhhhhhhhhh.....

At the end of the ceremony, everyone queued up and took turn to shake hand with the deans and officers of the faculty. ( don't ask me, I don't know WHY we should do that , I think this might be just a part of courtesy ) and i just followed the flow...

Everyone was obligated to wear a WHITE collar shirt to matched with the WHITE coat.
Again, I don't know why because i felt it was awkward to clad like this. There would be no contrast at all between the inner shirt and the outer coat.

Can you see my EXHAUSTED face and the "BIG PANDA" eyes...???
U know what, i just reached BALI the night before the ceremony... and managed to grab a 4 hours sleep...

After the ceremony, we headed to Maestro Studio to snap some batch photos..
Not going to post the batch photos ( the file too big and my internet access here is lousy ) , just post some photos of mine which i grabbed over there . Don't mistaken , the photos i shown below were took via my cell phone, that's why the quality is quite BAD.

All tired faces of mine....

On the last day of Junior Doctor Orientation ( 26 March 2010 ) , I decided to cycle to the Government Hospital ( Named : Sanglah General Hospital ) . The condition is quite good and surprisingly, the hospital provide a place for us to halt our bicycles.

The motto : SAVE THE PLANET ... Let's BIKE TO WORK !!!!! WoooooOhooo^^^^^^
I am holding up this motto and embrace the shibboleth ! Clapping hand for myself... LOL

A funny photo of myself when attending a Psychiatric Test which held in campus On Sat ( 27.03.2010 ). There were 596 Questions to answer .... awwww... almost lost patience in answering that....

Look at the picture how i EN-WRAPPED myself to fence-off from getting tannn......
Don't worry, I will never ever do that in Penang... so "pai seh" if i dress like this and get recognized by ppl... Hahaha....!!!!

Tomorrow would be the 1st day entering clinical phase of medical education...

ENT
Here I COME !!!!
COME AND BEAT YOU DOWN !!!!

I need tones of luck and strength for the whole 1.5 years of practical phase of medicine life
Hopefully i will be able to enjoy it whilst encounter different difficulties
Learn to be a competence one !

回到岜厘岛的第三天

2010-03-25T19:07:00.014+08:00

昨天与佳乙一起买了我们在 clinical years 的“战车”，我选择了黑色。。。感觉比较酷，对吧？呵呵。。另外装上了像 aunty 脚车用的菜篮，感觉还不会太差吧？

今天迈入第三天的 Junior Doctor Orientation, 天天听他们的 Inspirational Talk, 真得很闷！

好不容易，今天的 ceremony 暂时告了一段落，明天是最后一天（哦，心中真的很想呐喊：finally ! ）也许是才回来岜厘几天，还没来得及收拾心情，就得出席累人的讲座会。希望 29号，我已经是在“准备好”的状态。

今早是第一天骑着我的新“战车”到 campus 报道。骑着脚车上班感觉还不错！！！

回家的路途中却发生了一段小插曲，不知怎的，原本放在篮子里的 Locker 掉了出来，原本不以为意，但是还是决定把脚车停放在繁忙的马路旁。。。回头一看，发现 Locker 竟然掉在马路中间，来来往往的车辆，真的让我心中有一些害怕，穿这一身很 formal 的打扮，狼狈地掉头跑到马路中间试着拾回 Locker.. 那些经过的车辆都只用好奇的眼神看着我，也没有要把车的数度放慢的意思。。。有些更是摆出那另人想揍的猥亵表情。。。在那一杀那，觉得自己是可怜的。

回到家，遇到一些朋友，她们都关心我，“你刚才骑脚车回来会很累吗？”
我说，“累，倒是不会，只是真的是热死了！”
很感谢这位关心我的朋友，but I'm really OK.

一步入房间，沮丧的心情又再次袭击着我。回想自己刚刚那段还蛮危险的，在忙碌的大路上拾东西，下次不准让这样的事情发生。睡了午觉醒来后，感觉还是蛮差的。。但是不用紧，人们都说：吃得了苦的人才会成功。所以，无论如何，我一定要学习咽苦，现在只不过是一个开始而已，未来的一年半还有大把“苦”得咽下去。。。再把“苦”化为“甘”。。我在等待着苦尽甘来的一天，真所谓：吃的苦中苦，方为人上人。

这就是我一年半实习的时间表：
我真的很期待 9th October 2011 的到来。。。我应该会开心笑到整排牙齿都会掉下来吧？哈哈。。糟糕，老毛病，都还没开始，就在幻想毕业的情形了！
FYI : 1. THT ( Telinga, Hidung dan Tenggorok) - ENT（Ear, Nose, Throat )
2. IKF - Forensic
3. IKM - Public Health and Epidemiology

其它的你们应该猜到它的意思吧？
根据我的时间表，第一个进入的 Lab 是耳鼻喉部门。祈求上天，保佑我顺顺利利的过关吧。。。
虽然 senior 都说这个 Lab 不难，而且还蛮轻松，但是它毕竟是我的第一个 Lab ,还是会紧张啊。当然希望有一个好的开始就是成功的一半啊。。。

而我的假期呢？得等到明年二月了。。。来临的日子，将会很忙。。。希望我可以坚强，勇敢地走下去一直到明年二月回家才再次充气。

这就是我这星期天天报到的地方。。。
Junior Doctor Orientation...

下个blog post, 会写关于第一天 orientation 实习医生宣誓仪式的情形 =）

I need Strength !

2010-03-20T11:52:00.002+08:00

Time flies...
Only One day left ...
Empowering me the real strength within
To continue my life over there...
This GONNA BE THE TOUGHEST CHALLENGE in My LIFE SO FAR
Be strong, stay strong, PERSIST to be STRONG

10 months
i'll be home again..
Telling myself, Nothing to be sad...
I'm going to learn how to be a Competence Doctor
So, Aeris Yeap, Don't WEEP !!!!

For my friends who study Biotech,
pls invent an injection which can inhibit emotional tearing.
I need an ANTI-LACRIMATION INJECTION urgently !!!!!

活在回忆中

2010-03-16T17:08:00.007+08:00

人生就像是一场舞会
你教会了我最初的舞步，却不是陪我走到散场的那个人。。。

向自己承诺过自从写了“恶魔与天使的邂逅 - 终极篇”之后
无论你是否看到都不许再写任何关于你的消息
我又再亲手把自己的承诺给捏碎了

在面子书又看到一篇让我很心酸的文章
我又再次的跌入回忆的悬崖里
或许这段时间将会是我人生中最挑战的时刻
难免容易掉入灰色世界里

在面子书看到有人叫你“Piggie”
心中揪了起来，唤醒了沉睡已久的记忆
这，曾经只专属于piglet对piggie的称呼
如今已变成了过去式，
曾经也只不过是曾经，
也只不过是一种称呼，
并不需要那么的在乎，
也许我还是会那么的在意那些只被我一个人来铭记的时光
还是会经常不经意的回忆起你 - 两只小猪的世界

我想用我的全世界来换取一张通往你的世界的入场卷
现实的残酷不容许我这么的做
我的世界也许你不怎么在乎
你的世界我却被驱逐得遥远

明明说看开了放下了
每次却总不自觉地想起那个给与我温暖的人
恍然大方的放下一切让自己轻装上阵
可是这种刺猬的伪装，
每每就在你转身之后，
眼泪就不停的流

手机里的通讯号码
存蓄了又删，删了又存蓄
回忆被拿起又放下，放下了又拿起
之后也就停止了着无聊的删存游戏
即时真的删除了又如何？
它还是深深地烙在我脑海里
记忆太好的人，也许都不怎么快乐

如果，她在你面前笑，并不代表一切都好
如果，她在部落格或面子书都很好，这都只不过表面上的风光
因为有人说不准在部落格写过于真实的感受
活在别人的话语当下，失去了自己

如果，你在我面前哭，说明你真的很难过
如果，我在你面前哭，说明我真的无法再压抑了
要知道在你面前我是多么努力的伪装坚强
看见泪珠从你脸颊掉落
我。。。却是那么的束手无策
我真的很心痛
很想给与你最真实的安慰
你要的安慰却不是我
说得也对，
我太脆弱，
没资格也没本事给你安慰
希望未来的你永远幸福，最重要的是-快乐

未来的路途还很遥远
时间却不留情面地倒数着
只剩下五天的时间
就必须到一个不属于我的世界里埋头苦干
天天活在别人的屋檐下，
我依然能像不倒翁般的岐立不倒下？
说过花费七百零吉买回来的快乐后
再次的离别就不准哭
压抑着的情绪及各种烦恼下
越来越怀疑着自己的实力
成绩很好又能代表什么呢？
永远不会了解背后的意义。。。

把长发给剪短了
告诉自己要振作，
新的发型，新的开始，新的生命，新的朝气
全部都变成泡影，
才努力了几个星期又再崩溃
你说我的一头短发
就像光阴倒流，看见十七岁的傻气。
说短发帮我找回了绽放的微笑，
都不知道该开心还是叹息。

很想念去猴子沙滩的时刻，
你是说哪时候的微笑吧？
真的很怀念与你们在一起的时光
就像个大小孩无忧无虑地在沙滩上奔驰玩闹着
好久好久都没了这种感觉
好想好想回到小孩子的时光
谢谢你们让我找回遗失已久的笑容和童年。

Home ，Again！回家的感觉真好

2010-03-13T11:04:00.006+08:00

Obviously, i had abandoned my blog for quite some time...
I went back Bali on the 7th March...
and the following picture was the shot which taken in the airport as i arrived there..
The view of sunset was fascinating... and it reminded me a Chinese Proverb : 夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏...
and the sadness of homesick crippling up my heart...
Immediately on the next day, I had to attend an occasion namely : Yudisium ( Sort of Theoretical Year Convocation. )

夕阳无限好，只是近黄昏
A panorama of the airport overlooks the ocean of Bali
Was that hinting
the end of my semester holiday and
the commencement of the harsh+tough clinical years ?
Great time is always SHORT... sigh~

After the Yudisium, my clinical years will only start at 29th March..
so it still have another 2 weeks of holiday...
Not wishing to spend my "limited" holiday in Bali, after checking the price of flight ticket, though a lil bit of expensive.. but with my childishness and stubbornness, I still insist to go home, AGAIN !!!!

On the 10th March, here i am... Coming back again !!!! I reached at LCCT at 11.30pm , spending a night in Kuala Lumpur. Thanks to my best friend, Yeng, chauffeuring me from LCCT to her house. The next day early morning, A brief visit to her department of Engineering, UKM.
At 11.30am, taking a long-haul of 6hours bus heading to my sweet sweet HOME, PENANG !

Ferrying from Butterworth to Penang Island.
The meddling clouds hinder the clear shot of setting sun....in short, just CLOUDY !!!
although the scenery was not as absorbing as Bali's one.. but HOME is always the Best to me !

so...i'm Home Again...and I'll definitely treasure my remaining 10 days holiday in Penang to the MAX !!!! Fill it with joyous and wonderful memories !!!!　

^^CheeRrSsSss^^

Regalia Night & My Sari

2010-03-04T23:08:00.001+08:00

Not goin to write much as laziness crippling up my body,deep into my nerve and vein...
I would like to share some photos of myself with the Sari.. the 1st time ever dressing up myself with the Sari !

On the 22.11.2009 , I was attending the Regalia Night ( so-called our prom night ) in Bali which held once a year.

Show you few of my personal photos 1st
1.In my room and the surrounding of the HOteL..

2. In the Function Hall infront of the stage

3. The view of the Hotel's SurroundinG

4. Some artistic photos... ( by Meng Hon )

5. Of course, The FOOD !!!!!!

6. Before we heading to the Hotel

Location : infront of the campus

7.In the bus...

8. Some photos with my friends...

9. The Queen of Regalia Night and ME !!!!

Sweetie, do you still remember i told u that i wanna show you my Sari dressing. haha...maybe you hv' forgotten...because it's been monthssssss Ago, pai seh pai seh, after agesssss only hv the "time" and manage to upload those photos..... U know what i mean, i'm always LAZY ! =P